Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Getting Back to Basics (Part 3)

That diet (mentioned in buring bridges ) is basically over for me. I have no excuses not to go out. I reached back out to some of the connections I feel like I lost. I re-started up my facebook (which is kinda creepy considering they keep all your information). I'm trying hard to get back what I lost through the last several months. Not an impossible task for me (I'm hoping).
I went to a party the other weekend, which was shockingly fun. I say shockingly because the cast of people I expected to be there weren't but yet I still had a great time. Without drinking I was still completely entertained. Which also brings me to this point where I have an unexpected bond with someone who I honestly never would of imagined me having a good friendship with. Especially since when we first me we weren't cool at all, our friendship grew, but it was always limited. That made me think like in the last blog (see Am I selfish )how selfish have I been?
(Selfishly I say) I believe I can honestly be a gift some how in anyone's life (sorry if that sounds conceited I just always felt like that for the people I know).
Moving along, I have been trying to get out a little more, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of how my life once was and should again.)
I have a lot of Ground to make up with people as well as my own self-being. I'm not going to be as "destructive" as I once was. I'm older (just turned 24 oct 26th), wiser and have sen myself down that path, so I won't go crazy with destructive decisions again. Besides I have no real reason to do all of that stuff again and I lost my taste for alot of things (food wise and socially), along with trying to stay healthy. I feel as if I'm back to normal just slightly more mature than I was once.
I think a quote that I will always stand by is, I don't believe people Change, but I do think they can improve. I'm still me so I didn't change, but I certainly believe I improved.
I feel as if I can handle my responsibilities now as a friend and as a mature adult. Perfect Example:
I was back on the job recently, I had to try my best to up lift more than one person. (Which I haven't done or cared to do when I was going through (Part 1 and Part 2 of my blogs) my little stink)
I believe I did a pretty good job of helping out with the few scenarios I've been given lately. It also felt good to do those sort of things for people again.
I also went out twice this week and just sat back and conversed with 2 friends. I felt like this is what I should of been doing for a long time. I mentally haven't felt this good in a while. I talked about things I kept under wraps or my "never to be talked about again" list. I talked about them freely just as they should of been discussed...as my past. Things that shouldn't had bothered me as much or at all anymore.

I feel a little better better a little bit more free.
I know im not all the way cured or forgiven from alot of aspect, but I feel great and this was definitely a start!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Have I been selfish? (Who I am, Hates who I've been) Part 2

So It was a good day. I had a good work day in class. Crystal Light was on sale 2 boxes for $3 dollars at shoppers (all I drink is this stuff and water so understand this was a great deal). I had on my new Nautica Fleece, which looked great with my new work out Nike Reax 3 shoes, and Great work out pants. Just an all around awesome day.

I then ran into someone I haven't seen in 6 years. I wouldn't exactly say an old friend, but an acquaintance at best. To be honest this has been someone I've been waiting to see. Back in High School we weren't enemies, nor friends, we had a a run in back then, but it was old High school drama so it was temporary. It was smoothed out easily, but I was never really a fan of this person from the start anyway. Their attitude and personality had been something I always just sort of despised from that person. But I wanted to run into 'em because I had been hearing that there was a complete 360 degree change with this person.
Now I believe people can improve but not really so much change, Kind of like that quote, You can take the boy/girl out of the (location) but you can't take the (location) out of the boy girl. The changes I had heard about 'em seemed a little out of reach for this particular one.
So we passed each other probably about 3-4 times before we realized who each other were. (Actually I had no idea the whole time, until they stopped me.) Outside appearance has changed for the both of us, but from the first hand shake I could see the inside changed for 'em as well.
It felt sort of strange, it was like walking and meeting a preacher (when they were a straight sinner back in the day) you could just feel the warmth and aura just radiating out from 'em. (I always felt like my special worldly gift was to get people and feel aura, yea weird I know).
After talking to him for about 10-15 mins I saw what the rumors have been entailing. It was a completely new and different person. Its as if someone wiped his mind clean and created a new person. What makes it even better is old times never once came up in our conversation. Which was good for a change since thats what seems to come up with everyone I run into from my past. Once again its as if I was talking to a complete stranger. All that was talked about was present and future. To sum it up, it was just really great to see this person, and I for one would of NEVER imagined those words coming out of my mouth for this person.

This meeting sort of put a tight perspective on my life and in a way made me think about my actions (see Burning bridges ). Have I been selfish all this time? Why have I shut myself off when I should have been keeping my bonds to people close. I honestly had no idea that these people that I pushed out of my life or never was attached to were so different now. I'm sure not everyone but a vast majority had to "grow up" in a sense (with me being no exception). Is this what I've been mising out on for the past 7 months. Hell for the past damn near 7 years!!! (since I graduated High school). I'm not a judgemental person, but I have been pushing away people I thought I didn't need in my life. Turns out even though I may not have a constant communication with these people, they all are still a piece of me, whether I wanted to believe that or not. I've always felt as if I made a difference in every person that I encountered lives (as selfish as that sounds). So who am I to take myself ouf of that for people (again as selfish as that sounds).
I guess I had a moment of weakness where I was tired of being that "GO TO" person for everyone. I just wanted to be me and left alone. I never did anything for myself and for the past 7 months I did. I gave up on my original life, I had my mental break, now I guess im ready to get back in to people's lives if they'll have me.

I'm sorry to those who I may of offended or upset during my mental and physical hiatus from my old life. I apologize

I have to admit though the mental break was nice, and I can't say I'm not a changed person because of it. Good did come out of it, but more broken bonds did also.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Today is a good day, Time to burn some Bridges (Part 1)

May 1, 2009, The D day of one Anthony Hawkins.
That is the day my initial diet started...
This is the day I cut myself off...
This is the day I shut everyone out...

It all started with me just wanting to lose some weight, get some abs a few cuts. It then became a full on obsession with me yearning for the perfect body.
I let it get out of control, I'll be the first to admit it.
It started with cutting out alcohol, who would of ever thought going to bars and restaurants would comprise of my entire social gathering/lifestyle.
Don't get me wrong I'm no stranger to the refreshing tasty alcoholic beverages, but wow did I need them to have a great time? Hell even a moderately mild time?
What makes it even worst is that I had some hard times, where I wanted nothing more but to hit the bar or just the bottle for that matter. Yea I know it sounds bad, but remember I have been drinking for a LOOONG time. So yea I had a bit of a problem (maybe...) and by definition an alcoholic (which I still deny....Kinda).

So now its been 6 months Alcohol free, and just to be completely honest these months have been horrible. Not fromt he aspect of "whoa as me I'm depressed." Just in the retrospect of me being extremely bored with life, and I lost proably about 75-80% of my friends. (Which was only really 15% of the friends that I even maintained from High School and Middle School).
To be honest I didn't care. My only focus was working out. Even if I had to lose people in the process, who cared! No one was feeding me, no one was paying my bills. No one was giving me back rubs when I was hurting. So I cut myself off from everyone. Burned down alot of bridges with friends. But Did I care? NOPE! As long as it was a good day in the gym, I wasn't concerned about anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I needed this mental break. My life has never been about me. For once it is; I dont have to answer questions, listen to silly gossip about people I don't know and/or care about, Hearing about other peoples shitty day (when I'm barely getting through mine). It is nice for a change, Its not exactly a burden listening to people (its what I do, probably my Manifest Destiny) I just don't want to deal with it. I was also still going through a break up which had happened months before, but I was still going crazy about it. As much as I hate to admit it that fucked my head up a lot more than I thought. Also the plan for me to go to Japan made me want to drop people also. Hard to explain why I guess since I saw it as "I'm leaving anyway and won't have much contact with anyone but a certain few. So why even bother keeping up with the people who I speak with sparingly? There not doing anything for me now, they damn sure won't do much for me then."
Sorry that was just my frame of mind.

Lets be honest, physically I got everything I wanted to achieve. There is no time for distractions when you have a goal. Mentally I broke down, no friends to chill with (by choice), no girlfriend, nothing to truly occupy my time. I don't like huge crowds so no concerts, parties, bars. I'm not anti social by a long shot, But It just wasn't completely me.

I have changed a great deal under these 6 months, but to be honest, I don't see any of it as bad.
I don't really associate with people who were bad for me anymore.
I don't go straight to the bottle when I'm depressed sad.
I'm border line OCD now so I clean and organize a little more something I always needed in my life.
I'm stronger mentally all around.
I can honestly say I know me, I know who I am, I know what I want. To where I didn't know before.

Am I proud of the method I took to gain those things? No not really, but I have to credit that method to most of my good points right now!

Thats basically it, You live you learn, Period.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Chase Isn't Worth the Prize

Ladies, Ladies...................What you do to us men, is not only unfair, but its pointless.
Yes women hold ALL the power when men are in the chasing and pursuit for a young ladies courtship. Seriously ladies though, just stop the games and antics. The things you guys do are truly pointless, just be real with us. If you like us, dont make us wait (in a non-sexual way). I dont know know about other guys but that whole Chase thing turns m e off. Yes make it a challenge but don't make it into a marathon or mission impossible. Fellas I don't know about you but I don't hunt for my food, its already at the store I just have to get it and cook it (Let me explain that metaphor because i just saw that frown on your faces).
What I mean is the stone age is over, although I feel things should be more like the past (basically men being men and gentlemen) There shouldn't be a need for the waiting game. Why do I have to play 21 questions with trying to find a mate, where each question is 1 week long. This isn't cavemen times,There is no need to go on a 2 week long journey to find food. Check us out, do your quick investigation and let us know the outcome.
Why does your mind games even have to happen?
Why is it neccessary to push buttons before you get with the guy?
I realize you all are trying to see if this person would be right for you, but somethings push us away, and you turn us into things that you didn't want us to be in the first place. Sometimes you take it way to far and as men we have to put our foot down, which is usually the answers or reactions you don't want to see with us. Which is also out of character for yourselves at times.

I've seen pictures you take with your girlfriends...wild and crazy, funny faces, etc.. Your not to different from men, so don't act high and mighty as if all men are immature, thus causing that to be the reason for the games.

I'm going to let you guys know about 2 situations where the chase got pointless for me so I stopped and the other 2 girls lost out (in my selfish opinion about how well of a suitor I make).

1st Situation:
A girl pushed and pushed, claiming she never has seen me mad. So she played little games and made up small lies about certain things that would usually have most guys either running for the hills or completely go berserk on someone. Well she got to me (which its hard to make me mad, but I wasn't boiling, but enough to irratate me, which is still rather rare for me.)
After I realized there was no gold at the end of the rainbow things started to change. She zig Zag'ed and looped around me so much during the chase that I got tired and just stopped and cut it off all together.

2nd Situation:
I chased this particular one for a long time. (Lets just say on and off for some years) There was always something that got in the way of us. (Think of going out fishing, catching a fish in the hook, but it keeps fighting and gets away.)
You keep catching it, but it never gets close enough for you to reel it in and put it in your boat. How many tries do you need before you just move on to other side of the ocean, and try to get a different fish in the sea.
Well thats what I did, I paddled out a little more, dropped a new lure and patiently waited at the other side of the sea.

The funny part is in both of my scenarios those 2 girls tried to come back after I was pretty much done chasing them. I moved on, but I guess its true what they say, "You don't know what you got til its gone."

Moral of the story is, its ok to play hard to get, but don't get carried away with it. You can only play monopoly for so long, before someone's money is almost gone or you just get tired of playing the game.

Be honest this applies to a VAST majority of the women in this world. Because a lot of you know you hold power to a lot of the guys that are chasing you.

But with the games you play, you could Truly be missing out on something great.
There is always a diamond in the rough, and you could be still kicking dirt over it.

Just think about it next time you put someone through a maze before you even give them a chance. They just not play along with you anymore.

That is not a question of if a guy can hang with you, or is right for you, its a question of are you right for him, Men don't deserve that alot of times.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

You want the truth? You can't handle the Truth!!!

So I've come to the realization that "Honesty IS NOT the best policy" simply because people can't handle the truth (or atleast what you present to them).

I have gone the Entire summer evaluating my life, I have had to make the hard decisions of what to cut out, meaning habits, lifestyle, and most importantly people.

The problem is, when a person you cut off comes back, and they wonder why you cut them off in the first place, even giving them the lying answer isn't good enough with them.
Plus with my whole pledge on telling the truth and no longer need to lie in my life (since I'm older now), I found out that even telling people the truth people. People can't handle it.

They still flip out, get mad, get sad.
My motto is "If you can't handle the truth, then don't ask me anything" PERIOD.

I'm going to give it to you straight, and I was never that person when I was younger, I was a push over let people run over me, but now i'm going to give it to you straight without feeling an ounce of remorse.

Now don't get me wrong it does suck at the fact that "THE TRUTH HURTS" but would you rather someone lie and you hurt later? or tell the truth and you hurt now?

I can respect people more for telling the truth. Than blantly lying.

Lets be honest, everyone lies (is that an oxymoron?)

I have yet to meet one person who hasnt told a lie....little or big lie, a lie is still a lie.

moving along with it. It just sort of Sickens me now how alot of people lie for no reason.
I mean hell I still do it sometimes, but not on an issue someone wants to knwo, sometimes i'll agree with something or just say yes or no based on if I want to get them out my face.

but Its wild how so much people Want to know the truth, But cant handle the Truth.

why even ask if your going to respond negatively in the first place.

Is there a certain way to deliver the truth (if its on a bad topic) to ease the blow?

I dont know well thats my take on it.

If you want the truth come to me.

If you don't want the truth then dont bother talking to me at all.
Sorry if that seems harsh

Monday, October 26, 2009


So today is my birthday and this weekend, was great.

I didn't do anything ground shaking (im still on a diet see http://hawkaj2@blogspot.com)

But Saturday I went out with my trainer, had some wings steak and a mini pie.

But Sunday I went out with my family Mom Dad and Brother and we ate at RED Robyn!!!!

I pigged out (see my fitness blog for details)

and Honestly I couldn't of asked for a better Present!!!

We aregue and fight alot, but I love every one of them!!! It was a blessing to get all 4 of us at one table to eat and joke and yell at each other!!!

It was just like Old times again!

Very Nostalgic to have that, and I look forward to this being the beginning of a new life for me now that im 24!

I was scared of this age to say at first because I always felt like 24 was when ur considered Old.

But I feel like my life may just now start to begin!

Well Thanks to the followers I have for sticking with me, and keep looking for more of my blogs because I have alot coming soon!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Its been to long! OCT update!!!

I know i know, I said i would have endless blog post not that im working again, and I have like maybe 3 in the past month.
But I promise there coming.

I'm back on facebook, I know I know sue me, I thought I never would go back, but I love my friends.
(I will still never do Twitter)

The blogs are coming...Hello to my new follower
I swear im not a boring pers, just have been busy.

I need a part time job (along with my current job) I'm not stressin for cash, but a little extra will be nice. so I can get out of the united states. and pursue my dream.

well keep up

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

10 things to tell myself to help me 10 years ago!!

It is 2009 I have been out of high school for 6 going on 7 years, and out of middle school for exactly 10 years
The middle school and high school Transaction was a huge one in my life. Where I felt as if Middle school was possibly the best (school) years of my life!!! The only thing is I couldn't capitalize on the phone I had in middle school so much in high school.
Things Changed, People Changed, and more importantly I changed.

10 years ago today would be my 2nd week of my freshman year in high school.
So I'm going to write it as if it were then and maybe the end of 8th grade.
The scary part is I can do this for 10 years ago (I'm getting old...hellllllppp)

Young Anthony,

1. Cut your Braids, or at the very least keep them up weekly. You might as well cut them because you would save money, time, and your hair (since im getting those side bald spot) Plus you will get more respect from not only adults, but your peers as well.

2. Stick with Sports. I know your not lazy because every time you play something you go 110% but you run out of gas. Just keep working at it. You would be in better shape, more to do, and know more people have, more stories and popularity.

3. DO THE DAMN HOMEWORK, good grades are important. Your certainly not impressing anyone playing the dumb role or im too cool for school role. Trust me it will help you get in to a better college earlier than what you would.

4. Decide what you want to do with life sooner, it will help you with college choice, and what you do while in college. I know your still young, but thats why they have career services. I'll give you a hint***remember how you thought you may want to be a teacher**

5. Do not get wrapped up LuLu. Yes you guys are like really good friends, but it would save a lot of heartache, and open up alot more female opportunities later on. Broadening your horizons.

6. Intertwine more with other schools. Once again more people known, possibly more opportunities (female wise and connections.) Also you wouldn't of been split between your middle school friends, as much.

7. Show more attention to all groups of people. You did well with most groups, but you def could of done better. Use your special talent of interaction and getting along with anyone. it will benefit your understanding of people better (although Its fairly good now).

8. SAVE YOUR MONEY. Would help out when you really need that cash in 10th 11th and 12th grade. Whether you know it or not you make more money than you think cutting grass even though you give your dad alot.

9. Do Not go back for Seconds, thirds, hell fourths on food. Especially on that hamburger helper cheesy hashbrown and Spaghetti. You won't be as big, and You wouldnt have to work as hard as you are now.

10. Don't let Danielle out of your sights at Hyltons homecomming. Especially since you had the biggest crush on her. But Sheila and Hillary stole you away, don't let that happen.. Unless you capitalize on hillary!!!!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Women don't want patience they want now

"You can only judge a man by his Patience, not his intentions!"

A quote told to me by one of my wise friends Terrance.

Which couldn't be any closer to the truth.
Now we both may have different views/interpertations on this, but this is how I see it.

Women, are probably the most impatient species on the planet. I say that with the up most respect.

They claim they want [insert desire] now, but they want it to be just right.
In my experiences with women, they are just so back and forth with so many things its amazing.

How can you Want something now, but not have the patience for it to be just right?

Would you take a pizza out the oven before the cheese melted?
Would you take cookies out the oven before they rised? (probably would considering most eat cookie dough...**lol sorry had to add that**)

So how can you expect to find the man of your dreams if your not patient with him?

This is where the quote "You can only judge a man by his Patience, not his intentions." comes into play.

:My interpertation:
It takes Men along time to mature, and IMO (coming from a man so Listen up). "All men are immature", but the older or more "mature" we get, the less of this maturity we show to the world/public.
A 35 year old man will still pick up a Superman comic and still be somewhat amazed.
Alot of men (if not all) still play video games, still google at girls, still get excited over little things. Which most women would Cringe at....IF.... They knew we did this.
Thats how females rate male maturity, by those little things. Now its up to men to know when, to show this and when not to show this to Women.

Thats where the patience game begins.

Ladies you may possibly have the potential "man of your dreams" on your hands, but you can't/won't get over single flaws, or attributes about a guy, because he happens to show this bout of immaturity that he has.

Its the expression "boys will be boys", please remember that.

Men aren't born ::Warning sexist statement:: with the double standards, So were not born raised to look forward to weddings, or growing up and doing this and that.

Yes we are raised to Provide and protect our family, but we are also raised with the mindset because we do this we should be able to do what we want.

What I'm saying is Let guys slide if they show some of this immaturity, Just because he does do these things, doesn't mean he won't treat you like a queen.

Show some patience, and you will be ok!

STOP wanting the here and now...
Once again, you will be set for disappointment in your lives if you keep wanting stuff now without waiting.

It takes time for fruit to get ripe, flowers to bloom, grass to grow, full moons to happen.

Show patience, and I am directing this to alot of my friends, because we talk and I hear how you want things, but waiting can take days, months, years, but I am one who truly believes, that there is someone for everyone, and if you miss that 1st person there is another one that can come along for you.

Alot of bad relationships now, are because women wanted the now instead of waiting showing patience.
Thats how Kids happen (and you hate the father), Marriages happen (and you get a divorce), Happiness happens, (but then your heart crumbles)

Well that is my public service announcement!


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Penny Pinchin

Some Call me Cheap,
Some call me the Black Jew (which I still haven't quite gotten yet)
I call myself a smart consumer. Its not that I don't have the money (it is tight at the moment), but why spend more than I need to?

If I spend $2 on 18 Pack of eggs, but I see an 18 pack for 1.50 at another store, you darn right I'm going to return the $2 dollar pack. Things like that (which I buy almost every 3 days) I end up saving money... Even if its just 50 cents because after 3 or so buys of savings I can buy a another pack so 4 packs for 6 bucks, compared to the 4 packs for 2 bucks that would cost me 8 bucks.
thats 4 bucks a month saving and 60 bucks a year.
YES I'm that smart of a Consumer that I planned that far ahead.

Another aspect to the cheapness (smart consuming) is if I buy an item and lets say it goes down in price 3 weeks later....
Darn right I'ma get the price adjustment.
Nothing makes me more mad then when I buy something for $300, but then it goes down to $225. Thats $75 bucks that could be use for Car insurance bill, or my best buy bill, or something anything...
I don't care that I brought and used it for almost a month, damnit I wanna pay what it is now.Companies knew damn well that price was going down thats why I usually ask for discounts anyway.

This Country was based on trading and barganing, and make the people happy.

Well damnit make me happy Sellers

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

2009 PET PEEVE LIST!!! Updated!

Welcome Ladies and Gentlement to Anthony's 2009 Pet Peeve list!!!!
We are sponsored here this year by well. ME!

This is a Collection of things that just really have peeved me off since I was able to be peeved off.
and I'm happy to bring it here to everyone This year...
this list is subject to change due to me being in crappy moods, annoyed, irratated, peeved off, and anti-social...!!
check for constant updates!!!

This is in no order...although some outweigh others.

Probably my #1 would be this.
People who have to clarify or check on something from another person, that you just informed them or told them off..
Ex: if I say...Hey Susie, I95 (highway) is backed up i just came from there.
Susie then goes to someone else and ask them...Hey is I95 (highway) backed up...
Why the hell would you go re-ask someone that when I just told you, and when I just came from there.
What is your reasoning for that?

#2 would have to be..
People who blame me without knowing full facts, but im just the first person they point the finger to..
If you want me to literally snap on you, then please put the blame on me. for anything.
atleast have hard evidence, photos, fingerprints, hell footprints proving im guilty of whatever crime you blame me for.

#3 for sure
They are nothing more than lazy emo teenager kids...You pay for them to eat, sleep, and shit in a box. They roam the streets whenever they please, and there very territorial.
my teacher taught us a long time ago, Cats are stil Primal, the only time they come to you is to get food.
they don't care about your problems, they dont feel your mood, there are no Cool Cats...
There all like the revolutionary war soliders who use to use people's houses to sleep and take advantage of them.

- People who wait for you to leave your parking space so they can take it.
nothing irratates me more than getting in my car...and seeing through my mirrors someone is just waiting there.
(im not the type of person to just get in my car and drive off.) My music needs to be just right. Seatbelt check, Mirrors check, any other extra curricular activity that you can do in your car.
Will it really kill people to walk that extra 15 secs from a further parking spot?

-People who are sitting at a light and about to turn right...but hesitate.........then they go...Which ends up making you brake, because they can came out right in front of you.
Now im not a defensive driver, but if you want me to rear end you on purpose...That is the way you do it.

- To Coincide with the last pet peeve, the people who get in front of you, then drive slow..
Why the hell did you come out on me like your in a rush, then drive like your peddling with your feet?

- People who are yelling in their Cell phone for everyone else to hear... I don't care about your conversation, I am also not impressed with your bluetooth headset....if you have to talk that loud or you can barely hear, than it may be time for a new phone and headset don't you think?

- When your on the phone with someone and talking, but you hear them start texting while your in mid sentence (Robyn you do this) geezus can it wait? Can you atleast be like hey hold on i gotta reply.

- People who Honk their Horn................Really that will get you no where with me, matter of fact I may just sit at the light, so you can remain sitting then when it turns red i'll speed off and make the light and you don't!

- When I sneeze or anyone else say bless you or gazuntai

-Burping out loud...(belching).........Really were you not taught better?

- Crying kids in small stores....Come on people I got spanked....do it at home and teach them right then they wont act out in stores with the (I want I want I want)

-White boys and girls with Cornrolls...It doesn't work. Just stop

-Black boys and girls with Mohawks...I understand were in a rock revolution but seriously. its not cool.

- People who Stare....I like to look at everything possible all the time...When your staring its rude, and creepy...but "If you see something you like......Speak up"

- When people ask the same questions in less than a 30 min period... Were you not listening..or are you just hard headed?

- Women with to much make up...Hey i must just went to the Circus because you all look like clowns.

- People who are crossing the street, and act like they don't even care that your waiting for them.

- People who are crossing the street, and put on the fake run/jog....lol u were walking at the same pace. just walk and acknowledge me for letting you cross

- Anyone who thinks their above society...ESPECIALLY if your 1. not on tv! 2. even remotely rich.
I mean come on asshole ur walking in Walmart just like the rest of the us.

- Kids these days who say "My bad" ....My bad is not an apology, it doesn't take that much effort to say "I'm sorry"

- Kids these days in general...lol i think thats more of a jealousy thing...They live so much more carefree these days

- People who are afraid to eat new foods, because of the name, of it or which animal it is...i bet if younever told someone kalamari was squid they would love it.

-Women Drivers on their cell phones...I hate to be Sexist about this (ok no i dont because I firmly believe in this) but i swear you gals don't pay attention to NOTHING ELSE but the cell phone...like Got damn, I hope someone is in the hospital and thats why you drive so recklessly...

I'm going to end this for now....
but like i said please check this about every week, because im sure it will build
These are the only ones I can think of as of 7/28/09~~~

9-1-09 Update

-People who you tell them something 1 day, and they straight deny it being a good idea or don't acknowledge you for YOUR ideas, but then turn around the next day act like you never said it, then take credit for that idea

-When you are around somewhere, and your noticablly tired or irratated, but yet people come around and still try to push your buttons or just nag you.

-People who are just to simple minded for their own good. someone tells you something, don't just stand there and be like "which way did he go george which way did he go"

-When your in a store or hallway and someone is walking in front of you, and know they are in front of you but walking like they got shot in the leg and won't get out of your way or let you bye.

Sorry had to vent i will keep posting so keep checking it out!!!

National be a gentlement month (Ended)


National gentlement month has ended. It went well, I'm going to continue to be one. (I always have been)
just this month I went waaaAAY OUT OF my way to be one to people who were usually rude and what not.

This experience taught me that the saying "Kill them with kindness" works well. I mean people can only be but so snotty with you if your just completely nice and respectful to them.
Well this month will be
National turn Curse words into funny sayings month like "What the french toast" "Shut the front door!"

End Edit: 9-1-09

So I decided that for the entire month of August I will be a complete and utter gentlemen to any and everyone!
Kill them with kindness

There is no particular reason I am doing this, I just feel like it.

Don't get me wrong I usually am a Gentlemen but on my diet, i have a quick attitude. so I wanna be able to control my emotions.

Also alot of people where I live don't deserve to get doors opened, and/or me being completely polite to them.

Others do...
We'll see how this goes!!!! I will be updating every week

Edit: 8/14/09
So its been going well, I haven't had to yell at anyone or be rude!
Ive been holding doors open, being polite, its been working well.

I have had indcient bad angry thoughts still, but hey thas part of this diet im on.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Don't Sue Me

DISCLAIMER: This is not an Admission of Guilt. Just a small Rant

When you download music your stealing.
When you watch bootleg movies your stealing
Or are you?
What's really the difference between downloading music or listening to those same songs on the radio, or the t.v., hell even streaming music online (ie: youtube, imeem).
Shouldn't the real legality of it be if you are selling and/or distributing that music??

Matter of fact the actual law is as follows:
The U.S. Digital Millennium Copyright Act is much more strict and deems copying of copyrighted music (with the exception of making a copy for your own use) as illegal. The U.S. Code protects copyright owners from the unauthorized reproduction, adaptation or distribution of sound recordings, as well as certain digital performances to the public. In more general terms, it is considered legal for you to purchase a music CD and record (rip) it to MP3 files for your own use. Uploading these files via peer-to-peer networks would constitute a breach of the law.

The real evil are things like Itunes, Rhaphosody, Microsoft.
99 Cents a song, just to put it on my Ipod for my enjoyment only?
Damn Steve Jobs (owner of Apple) was it not enough that I paid 100+ for each Ipod I ever owned (about 4), and those were all with a discount. Thats also including the 4 Sansa (I personally recommend this brand) That i purchases all over $50 (except the one I got on black friday that was $25) Also including the 1 Zune i brought that was $100 bucks with a disocunt. Thats about 700 bucks I spent on a Mp3 player (in about 5 years since they were fairly new to me when I began college).
So I say how dare these companies also charge for downloading the songs.
Don't even get me started on the 12 dollars it cost to go to the movies. Although I dont think thats nearly as bad even though they should let you bring your own food in there at the very least.

My biggest thing is, I'm against making the rich even richer. Its bad enough they get alot of benefits (See blog) such as free food, clothes, club events, admission in to places, shoes...anything you can think of. On top of getting paid to do something they "love" only at the cost of a little Privacy every once in awhile. (OK let me stop& save that for another ranting blog)
Now I am aware that actors Muscians don't necessairly get paid from what we purchase directly. I realize it goes to the people around who help.

I mean Actors and Actress will forever get paid alot of money for the simple fact goign to the Movies is a world wide event.
I personally refuse to buy DVD only because I don't usually watch movies more than once. (although there are 4 exceptions: Half -Baked, Next Friday, The Big Hit, & The New Guy. I own 3 of those, I can watch those movies once a month if need be).

To get back on track music should be free. Its bad enough these musicians get paid thousands if not millions to do what alot of people do everyday (same goes for professional athletes.) While everyone else makes 1/8th of what they do and still give money to them.
Hey we are all entertained but I can go listen to a street performer sing (or watch a college football game) and be just as entertained.
Also would it be bad to download music if the CD has been out already for a year or more? Its not making any money selling ins tores. Hell there may still be a 100 copies just sitting in a store as we speak. So whats the difference? thats 1000 bucks the record lable won't see any way. I can just continue not to buy that CD and not give to the record companies anyway. But no one think s of that. So why would it be bad to DL a Cd from 2001 or 1996 (when music was good?)

heres no way that measly 5 bucks maybe 1 dollar because it may be on clearance. is goig to effect the music industry.

Like I said This is not an admission of guilt, but most Music stars make their money through apperances and concerts anyway. I work hard 40+ hours a week, why should I make someone who is doing something (I do everyday) they love super rich because of it?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hates a Strong word...let's hope I dont use it...

::::WARNING:::: (I honestly try not to sound or be bitter about anything, but this has been on my mind way to long. I also try not to cuss like a sailor so i'll try my best not to in this post even though it may be hard.)

So I guess for people to truly Understand you would need a quick synopsis of why I'm even posting this.

Let me see If I can put it Movie Narrator style (btw: If you ever saw the movie 500 days of summer, It sum up this whole post in an instance. Actually Sums up my life)
(Ok I apologize that was probably completely pointless but im trying to do it without the others business all out there.)

Ok so on to this topic.

Hate is a Strong word, but I'm damn close.

It's been nearly 9 months since. For some reason I'm still affected today. If I see a car that resembles yours, my heart jumps, I dont know If I'm going to pretend like I dont know you, or get out the car and start acting like an asshole.

If you read my topic http://hawkaj.blogspot.com/2009/08/give-me-heartbreak-again.html , you would know that I'm the type of person who needs closure and reasons. To which I didn't get from you.
At this point I don't even care.

I'm not a bad person, and I hardly ever have bad intentions or thoughts, but to be completely honest I could careless If I ever see or hear from you again in my life. (There I said it, I feel dirty for saying it but there it is)

What hurts me the most from saying that is that I really felt like we could be good friends.
I wish you the best in Life, and I want nothing more for you to be happy, but honestly that no longer has anything to do with me.

It's not the fact that your in the situation your in. The reason to me being so angry:

It's the fact that you can't fucking understand why I feel the way I feel....
It's the fact that you don't care and/or have an ounce of respect for me....

I wanna say I can't blame you, since you have never been put in this position. But your an adult so no excuses...

What you don't understand about me is this, just like in the heartbreak blog, I have been hurt and shitted on so much.
It was different with you.........I thought we had something strong, then it Kind of snapped in half with no notice to me.
I hate to sound like a dick but for someone that you supposedly "Loved" you sure picked a fucked up path.

I think.........well I know my main problem is just that I have no explanation to why, I was hush hush, but the new one is Flaunted.

AM I Wrong?

Things coulda been handled a bit differently IMO but now i feel like im the fuckin bad guy because im the one who is affected the most by this.

new Slow/love/emo/i miss you/heartbreak songs that come out, I connect with. and it makes me reflect which I hate

I dont wanna be reminded of the situation I want it gone.

Yes it has made me stronger, but how can I truly move on if I have no answers to improve with?

Once again it's sort of too late now for any type of apology/explanation.

I just wanna be over it. with or without that.

so Why does shit still bother me...??

it's been way to fucking long, and im still fuckin as bitter as I was 8/9 months ago

I can't seem to understand why.......

I've done other things to occupy my heard.

Misery Loves Company, I found company once or twice, but it wasn't enough.

What the hell do I do from this point.
meeting (like i said multiple time aleady) Is not an option..

One of my favorite songs right now is a song by the band All Time Low - Jasae Ray
Jasey Rae youtube video Check it out. It sorta is my situation (well the best song to explain atleast)

I'm sorry for bitching about this months later, if you look at my first couple of blogs, you may also get the picture of this also.

Thanks for listening.

I'll be great, don't worry just gotta find my happy medium .

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You never know until you ask!!!

So unfortunately I obtained this very annoying habit from my mom, where I just ask random people questions just to see what they will say or what their answer is.

Its actually quite funny because my version of it is asking at stores that I go into, just to see If I can get discounts, or even free things.

I say I got this annoying habit from my mom because back in the day when I was a kid, and we would go to Mcdonalds before it closed (yes it was a long time ago when McD's actually closed at 10). Anyway we would intentionally go late at night so my mom could ask this one question. (sigh :( I can't believe im going to admit this).
"Can I just have the leftover food that didn't sell?"
Now we're not poor by any means, It was just a simple question to see if they would do it... (also get extra food for the next day without paying)
It worked about 95% of the time. Usually with food like Fish Filet and Chicken sandwiches (lol you know the healthy stuff before the subway kick), and Some extra Frys and apple Pies

Now I dont know why, but this didn't emerge from the depths of my sub-consciousness until about 2 years ago.

Now everywhere I go, I just have to ask simple little questions just to see the reaction or what people say.

My greatest success was 2 years ago, at Subway.
I asked for a discount because it was Tuesday and I was having a bad day. So he gave me 2 12inch subs for the price of 2 cookies.
Needless to say I went back every week when that guy worked and brought Subs for a dollar plus I gave him a tip.

Hey when I was in retail/fast food, all people had to do is ask me for something like this, and I would just respect that they actually asked and let them have it. (If I could)

Now wherever I go, I just ask..."How about just giving me a discount?"
Or "Can I have this? I mean come on no one is really going to come buy it"

My attempts on bigger items don't seem work as succesfully as food. But If I learned one thing from my mom (lol no offense mom but you haven't taught me much)
Its "You never know until you ask"

Now I dont think this makes me ghetto, or cheap, I certainly have the money to pay for things, but to be able to save and just to see how giving (or convinced) the human race can be, I just do it.

Plus hell, Celebrities make millions of dollars, but get 90% (10% of what they pay are things like Cars, houses and boats) of the products they wear or use for free.
Yet those same companies charge us (the people) 70 bucks for those jeans, or 20 dollars for that meal, or 1000 bucks for that watch.
I get the concept of celebrities generate business by them using their products.

I mean hell Prime example.. Jay Z wears that silly Beanie with the Brim hat (which I can't lie I was a slave to for 2 months.....its all I had for the cold I swear) Everyone wears those jay Z brim hats. Where didn't you see those hats is the real question.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritche wear Von Dutch trucker hats.
EVERYONE wears Von Dutch Trucker hats.

Paris has a little lapdog, every girl has to have a little lapdog.

So I understand the business side of things, but hell atleast make them pay something...Shipping and handling or something It makes no sense.

So my goal (Just thought about it today) is to try to get sponsored by any company to wear/eat their things and advertise! So I can get free stuff.
I'll just ask my random questions until I get something.

I already sort of completed this for my gym, I convinced the manager to give me free shirts, because I advertise for them by walking around every wear with "Gold's Gym" shirts and I got a free gym bag with "Gold's gym" on it because I asked (even though I had to give them 12 movies for their Cardio Cinema) but hell they wouldn't of done that for anyone else.

(Sorry this post wasn't suppose to be this long I swear lol It just kinda flows out)

Well I'm going to stop myself but everyone you get the point.

Ask and you shall receive!!! Or atleast you tried.

Its always better to ask for forgivness then ask for permission! (that had nothing to do with this post but I smell a new post brewin from that statement)

Tell me your stories on this if you guys try it. Or tell me if I'm crazy.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Give me Heartbreak again!

As I was talking to my friend, we were talking about how much it sucks to end relationships, especially if you get shitted on (at least in your opinion).
But heartbreak is part of relationships, better yet life!
I feel like the 4 times (possibly more) That I felt heartbreak I took all of them the wrong way. Which was way harder than I needed to. I've admitted to myself (also somewhere in this blog) that yes I have a soft heart, I'm one of those "Sensitive" guys. I wear my heart on my sleeve, not many of us "good guys" out there, but it seems like most women just want bad boys

I wasn't going to but let me explain my 4 heartbreaks thus far. (Well what I did after I should say) There will be no names, no dates and times, just reactions!

4. I may of did the heart breaking, but I felt like shit and still was heart broken also. I became stagnant. Only wanted to search for the right now, not right. Just wanted some fun and took advantage of some uncalled for situations to fill my void. Alot of drinking (misery loves company)

3. Ok I was in the wrong with the whole situation, (I should of never gotten myself into it knowing what it already was) But I fooled myself, made myself believe that there was a chance even though I was totally going against my own rules (she cheats on him she'll cheat on you). Maybe it was the chase, Maybe it was the thrill, but I honestly think it was just the crazy chemistry we had.
Once again, I blamed myself for not being what they truly wanted, pushing to hard on this one. Trying to mix oil and water. After this I went into drinking alot partying more. Filing the void again.

2. Once again another situation I probably shouldn't of gotten into. The crazy thing was it didn't start that way. It started like "hey it is what it is, nothing will really come of it". I guess this one just kinda progressed as we got to know each other better. I was sure this was what I wanted. I fell hard.
Even Harder when it was over. To point where I was anti-social didn't want to talk to no one, just do my thing. I didn't drink or go overboard, but it made me realize who I need to cut out my life, who's in it for me, and who's just in it.

1. Damn near wanted to commit suicide because I was so depressed about why she did it. Was I not good enough. Was it because of my looks?
But this is the one that started my initial weight loss so I guess I gotta thank her for that.

Now out of those 4 situations, I'm Really good friends with 2 of them we speak consistently, Speak to the 1 of them on a inconsistent basis, and don't speak to the other one what so ever.

Yes I'm one of those guys who want Closure, wants to knos why something didn't work out. Even though it hurts, and I may not be happy with the answer, but fuck it, its an answer right?
Can't go your whole life not knowing what 1+1 is, eventually you have to know how to improve. You can't improve on your mistakes, if you dont know how you got into them!

This is why I think I want to be heart broken again. Just so I can evaluate how I act, what measures to take, maybe this time I can do it right handle it better.

Or maybe I can not put so much heart into things like I usually do and take it for what its worth.

I dont want to get in another relationship anytime soon but my next one I will be careful, and observe myself more in it.

So Heartbreak I could go without again, but if it happens, I think I'm ready for this one. (at least I hope!!!)

Friday, July 31, 2009

Text me Later!

This may very well be the "NEW" most commonly departure word used to date... (atleast in America)

Its amazing to me how far technology has mad us the way we are in such a little time.

I graduated highschool 6 years ago now 2003 (Oh damn i just reminded myself of how old im getting) and I could remember Text Messages didn't have plans like Unlimited for just 10 bucks, or 500 for 3 bucks.

I remember when a text message cost you 30 cents a text. Or if you had a pre paid phone 1 unit/1min a text.

Back then you better had been sending a damn good text message.
None of the Hey, hi, yo, no, bye, cool bull crap that we all pretty much do now....

I remember my senior year of summer My bill was an extra 30 dollars because of text messages.

My parents flipped and cut text messaging off.

Lol i didnt mind to much I didn't mind to much I mean hell I had a Nokia 5165 (most people did) so it wasn't anything special, and I prefered to call rather than text.

Even in College I hated text messaging, I think I just recently jumped on a Unlimited text plan about 1 year ago.

Text messaging has made me so lazy and anti social id rather not even talk on my Cell unless its business.

Send me a text, i'll view and decide whether or not I want to talk to you.

Or Maybe if I want to keep up with certain people every now and then... shoot them a text.."hey whats up"

To me Text messages are quick and easy but so impersonal now..
Who calls and see's how you doing anymore?
Make time and preparations to go anywhere
hell even to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY

I do remember being lost once and instead of the person talking to me on the phone they tried to text me direction by direction...
I'm lost...and recieving your text 10 mins later than your sending them so More than likely I already missed turns and everything else.


I know people who text that text to each other and in the same room...

Now I understand if you can't verbally speak because of (class, church *shame on you*, business)
But seriously they were just both jotting down stuff on paper, but still texting eachother.


I have to admit though I have fallen victim to the craze...hell I'm even guilty of texting people long conversations.

Sometimes its just easier. its a good way to kinda draw out a conversation

expecially if you know there will be Awkward silence if you were to have a phone ocnversation..
atleast on text you can have time to think about your words or what your going to say...

But there are people who CAN NOT live without their phone.
I'm just happy I could throw this thing away and be completely happy and satisfied.

Matter of fact I have Days where for about 3-6 days I wont touch my phone, wont respond to text, calls nothing....
Just show up where I need to show up to. Thats it. not worry about nothing

I actually recommend people to do that, just keep your phone at home or in a drawer for atleast 2 days, (if your able to) You do not understand how much stress free, and how much personal mental time youw ill get from doing this...

Matter of fact keep it in your car, so if you get in trouble you can call 911 or something

but other than that...most people are going to be to lazy or not care to go all the way to their cars to get their phones.

Try it trust me it works!!!

well i'm done complaining..this all came from me hearing a lady say that to her friend yesterday..

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Causing a Scene at the Movie Theaters!!!!

I had a Great day yesterday.....
Had my cheat meal (chinese buffet) ALOT of sushi. Laughed and Joked with my Sis Robyn. .
Until I went to the movies..............

So let me start off by saying its already absolutely ridiculous that its 10 bucks for a movie before 7p.m.!!! and its still 8 bucks before 4p.m.

So Robyn and I are going to go watch "The Proposal" w/ Sandra bullock and Ryan Ryenolds, (which btw, i like them both as actors) And it was a great movie btw, funny whitty, sappy, all of that. (plus the mom in that movie is so hot)

So I have this Free Emovie cash ticket, that I got from buying a game from Gamestop, which said AMC 15 Potomacs mills is one of the spots that the movie ticket is accepted.
Fine right, so I go into the line, and the little girl working at the thing is saying that its not going thru, but she has seen them before. so she was going to get her manager to handle it.

So I go inside, wait for the manager to come up...he's a spanish guy probably mid 20's tats on his arm, seems like he would be cool to chill wit on the outside you know, just another homie.

So he is playing around with it, for about 5 mins, not really doing anything but making those faces and sounds as if he is really trying to plug away the problem...

So after all his fake shanitgans he says, well 3 months ago AMC stopped taking these. So calmly i say well keep plugging away because I just signed up for the ticket 3 weeks ago, and AMC was on there.

So he plays around for another 5 mins as if he is really doing something and then says again, you know what sir this isn't going to work im sorry.

(Now you guys know being on this diet i'm on my temper is short....so now my anger is rising, were already 10 mins late for the movie, which is fine, all im missing are previews)

So now I start calling him on his Bullshit, I was like for 1. If you guys stopped taking these 3 months ago, why are you even fucking around with me acting like your doing something.
Once again he's like sorry sir there is nothing I can do.

Then I say well why the lil girl at the window say she just did this a couple of weeks ago....then he's like well there are different ones now they may of had those.

(now my anger has doubled)
So now im like this "look the movie has started, just Compensate me or something give me a free ticket anyway you can take this one I have go to your District Manager, Main manager or whoever and get your credit for this store.
I tell him, i'm not stupid, I know how retail works, do what you have to do and get me in this Movie.
Once again he says. "i'm sorry sir I can not do that"

(Now i'm flat out irratated)
So there is a number on the paper that says "If there is a problem at the register call this number 1-800-xxx-xxxx" so I say well call this number and find out how to ring it up.
He says its not my account number on there its yours, so you have to call that number
(They wanted the Ignorant black man to come out of me........now they got it)
So I say "what the fuck man, you want me to call this number so they can tell me, how to explain to you, to do your job and ring this shit out......I might as well jump behind the counter and start collecting money and handing out tickets to"

Once again I get the "Sorry sir, i can't help you, your going to have to call yourself."

(now I've just about lost it)

You know what they say, the way to piss someone off, is to act calm and cool....To bad that is what was used against me because it sure as hell worked...
Workers are crowding around me (which I hate for people to stand beside and behind me if I dont know you)
I'm about 1 min away from start just causing a riot knocking down ticket polls and ripping down movie posters.

So Right before things get ugly a random guy steps in and says whats the problem.
Cooling myself down i'm like he is saying i cant use my free pass

so he digs in his wallet and says here Merry Christmas. Hands me a free movie ticket..
I say "I can't accept this sir" I mean its the princple of the whole thing.
He says naw just take it enjoy the movie. (which in all actuality he was mad that he was waiting as long as I was bitching which turned into 20 mins)
So My tone changes I take his ticket to watch the movie. (which was good )and go away, but not before I stare down the manager with the "He just saved you from an ass whoopin" stare down.

So now we may as well add
POTOMAC MILLS AMC 15 to the Anthony has banned/boycotted list.
along with
Star Bucks
Bowling alley (which has a story of me showing my ignorant side as well)

So I guess I'll do the sensible thing, and contact the AMC company tell them about this incident and get free tickets anyway.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Jennifer Aniston is hot, but she's no Angelina Jolie!!!!

So I've been watching these VH1 specials, (or E! channel I can never remember which is which) It was about Divorce and what the women get in settlements, (when there is no Pre-nup).

some of these settlements are unbelievable, From a B listers 10 million to Michael Jordans 168 Million to his ex wife to Paul Mcartney's 250 million to his ex wife.

Don't get me wrong these women put up with alot.........but come on, Jordons wife didn't teach him that jumper, and she damn sure never through him an alley oop in a game 6 NBA finals game?

what the hell do these women do to warrant getting so much money?

Now if I'm worth 100 Million after starting up a Company....even if I find a wife During the whole process of starting up my company..she did nothing to get any of my money if we were to divorce.

If she gets 40 million of my 100 million I want Sex and extra curricular activities ONCE A WEEK.

Now if I was leaving her for another girl.........
Hence Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie.........
It would possibly be a different story...

I still wouldnt want to give up that type of money and would still expect sex every week, but Jolie would be worth it.

All in all If i have 100 million or 100 bucks, i still dont think i would do a pre nup, just wont get married.
The older I get, the more I dont wanna get married
Watching that today made me not want to get married at all...

I do believe in Love. so Damn thats a Dilemna

Another Diet soon

So as some of my post has indicated im already on a carb cycling diet.
Lost 20+ pounds ina bout 11 weeks.

in 2 more weeks (around the 1st week of august) im going no carb

lol if people think im short tempered and forgetful now lol just look out!!!

I dont even know why im blogging this, i guess because im excited and worried at the same time.

I may get down to about 160 150 lol so yes i will be insanely skinner but i will lose the body fat, so i can bring it back up to the solid 185 that I want.

well get ready for ALOT of blogging inbetween, Because im sure I will be angry, pissed off, and have something to say about EVERYTHING

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Conceited, Confident, Convinced, & Cocky

The 4 C's, to which I am not any.
If anything I'm the 4 I's, Insecure, Inferior, Incompetent, Impatient (that didn't make sense but it sounded whitty at the time.)

Although I must admit, with being 10 weeks into my diet (on week 11 starting yesterday 7/14/09)
Losing 21-25lbs, I started at about 204-200 and now down to 179-180 (can't seem to get below this and started out losing 10 in first 4 weeks).

Yes I am a tad bit Confident now.... The Abs are starting to come out (still about another 8 weeks before they will be good or even worth walking around with no shirt) I'm alot more cut up.

Hell I deserve to be a little Convinced, I came from being 5'6 240+lbs to 5'9 (5 years later) 179
and at one point I was at 165.

Call it Cocky but I am happy with my results, even though I'm not quite where I need to be. I feel like I can give advice about losing weight, I mean i have lost close to 80lbs in my life time.

But with knowing how much work I still have, im certainly not Conceited by any means...
Far from it...
When I do get that 6 pack..............
I will walk around EVERYWHERE with no shirt on, daring people to tell me to put it on!!!

Chris Brown Didn't do it, if he did...I dont Approve, but I Understand

Sorry had to make this quick Post, because I'm listening to his Song "Forever" Maybe his only ballet I actually like him singing.

So I say this because I just recently heard about a situation (well like 3 in the past 2 months) of a guy puttin his hands on a female....

Unacceptable............but, Girls aren't innocent

Girls are like Gnats....(not generalizing... just some of yall and yall know damn well who you are can vouch)
They buzz Buzz Buzz in your ear, but won't really do anything but annoy the hell outta you until u wanna just swat at it.

All 3 situations that I've heard about and even Chris Brown, it seems the girl did just that. and more.
The girl would put hands on the dudes....
Damnit why would you do that....if you dont wanan be treated like another dude then dont do Dude shit.. period.....

I have a rule I will not hit a girl or so much as push her.................unless....................................She straights jabs me in the face...
Then you will get the Ignorance shooken out of you.
I wont hit you, but I will restrain you....Possibly Rodney King Style, but you will be restrained!

So Chris Brown (and others) SHAME ON YOU........................................But I Understand!

Losing Base with Society

DISCLAIMER: No One take this to heart, just how things are going period.

So I have now completed week Week 10 of my Diet, I'm down 21 lbs of fat, kept my muscle, looking more decent, blah blah blah..

With that said I haven't been out drinking in that 10 weeks....Maybe went to drink twice since, and couldn't bring myself to drink more than half a beer bottle both times(literally) so I had water instead.
Haven't been out period. I do 4 things in my 24 hour day!
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Work out
4. Sleep
4.5. play games sometimes.

The most important thing is I Haven't really kept up with my friends..
The sad part is (sorry to say) I'm fine with that.
Don't get me wrong I love all my friends, but I think subconsciously I'm pushing them all away.
I know what my goal is for Janurary (5 months away) which is to go overseas for a year, possbily more.
So I don't want to make this harder on myself to leave than what it already is. I mean there is still a select few of people I talk to and actually care about talking to (I wont name names, lol because if someone isn't one of those people and they think they are then I will let them keep thinking that) (asshole of me? lol yup but o well)

I already feel Horrible for leaving my pops I mean he is old, for damn sure not getting younger, I know he'll miss me, I mean hell he talks to my oldest brother EVERYDAY, I know once im gone (i'm the youngest) he will be lonely cuz my mom will only get on his nerves lol I take her stress away from him.
so Leaving my friends will be hard also because I always felt my friends are my true family (all my real siblings are older and weren't around much with me).
So With that said I'm sorry to you guys ive been pushing away but to be honest, your going to have to deal, I dont wanna cut connections, but I dont want any one begging me to stay, or feeling sad, (ha its not like were doing anything together worth wild here anyway).

As far as trying to find a Summer Fling female, I dont want to do this either...
my personality type is R&B so that means I fall for chicks quick.
The last thing I need is finding a potential love of my life, but then leaving out for Japan, and that being a waste.

Plus a Girl in my life has always held me back from going. (I don't get into relationships unless I feel like I can marry her) So it was hard for me to even think about going somewhere when I had them in my life.

So I won't let that happen again.

So with all this Naturally I've just been staying away and losing base with Society

its why I do my 4 1/2 things everyday.

Kinda like if you knew the Middle School Bully was after you, so you peak around corners, and skip classes to avoid them.

Thats basically what I'm doing....

Once again I wanna say sorry, but at the same time I'm not, Im doing this for a reason and it may be F'd up to some people who really need me, or genuinely like me, but hey if you cared that much you would make more effort.

I def have a Top 5 of friends that I talk to, If you wanted in that bad, u would push your way in there.
Until that effort is made then don't bother poutin

(lol listen to me soundin like I'm somebody)

Thats it for this

This is the reason why i haven't talked to 95% of my friends

Friday, July 10, 2009

I'll Stop Procrastinating Tommorrow!!!!

The Irony of this blog is, i've been wanting to make it all week, and just never did it never did it..........Well the purpose of this Blog is because I've just been sitting, like I have so much I need/want to do, but some how find a way not to do it.so let me list out what I need to do here, and I'll edit as things get complete and more things get piled on, just to really document my laziness.
1. Apply for Stafford, city of fred, culpepper, orange schools and mail off everything for Prince william for the Sub jobs.
2. Work on my two Websites! I have confidence these will be success!!!
3. Apply for an overseas job for Jan/Feb (pref Japan) sitting waaaay to much on this.
4. Find and read an Actual book, not comics. (don't judge me)
5. Find a part time job for weekends. I've been to spoiled, but also losing my mind!!!!****Side note**** i'm the worst Procrastinator because Im sitting here (ok laying here) stopping watching tv, flipping channels, web Surfing.. not paying much attention to the blog. LOL oooo the Irony!OK well stay Tuned!

Music to listen to ...
Bun B

Edit: 7/13/09
Still haven't done any of this, geezus im the worst..
although I do have more blog ideas that i keep forgetting, then I remember...but then i forget again...

ok going to work on something on my list damnit..RIGHT NOW!!!

more blogging too so much stuff going on.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Japan getting Closer

So most know my dream is to go to Japan
Yero and I are planning to kind of Wing it there and get jobs as teachers (or God willing whatever will pay) stay there for a year expand our skills in the language and culture. come back with some saved up money
and enjoy the experience of a lifetime

Quite possibly if I enjoy it to much I may serve a Second Term..

now that Yero has a job, and I have alot of money saved up it looks more and more possible..

I dont have a job for summer which is cool and sucks at the same time but I have enough money for my bills until i start working/subbing again...which is only 2 more months.

I hope i can get a long term position until Feb because thats Double the money which will be helpful.

But with the money I already have saved, im looking to buy my tickets in September/October just to make it somewhat permanent for me to not back out.!!!!

once again wish me luck..

and if the Website idea launches and makes me money even better!!!

So I have an idea for 2 websites

Ha so im not even sure if I should put these ideas on here incase someone steals them....LOL not likely

but I have 2 website ideas which one, I had people say was a good idea.
and the other is kidna like a maybe it may work type thing..

1 would be an advice site (almost like yahoo answers) I will Skip the details

the other I am going to call Lunchroom which is a big social gather.

this should farewell and I'm going to work on these through this month of July and pitch a final design thought to this Webmaster Dblockn05 is his Aim, who I met and created this site and many others i believe, but most known for narutocommunity.net

Well wish me luck. this could be huge!!!

Look at Facebook it started from some Harvard guys looking to meet new girls, and now its a multi million dollar site with a huge following and IMO slightly better than Myspace...

Saturday, June 27, 2009

How long has it been?

Damn so once again I have been M.I.A. on my blog so i guess its time to keep it up again
its not like i have anything better to do (i'll explain in my next post..)

anyway its good to be back expect atleast weekly updates!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

So its been awhile part 3!!

Geez I really want to blog alot more, but Ive been doign alot of middle schools lately which require alot of my attention so I can't just go in there.
Also I lost my yellow journal i was writing alotof things so i had to re write in my red one (not a big deal) but I really need that yellow journal back lol some person things were in there..

so enough about that one month update....

I have quite a bit of money saved up for Japan

only thing is I need a summer job to pay off the regular bills and food bills.
I quit the verzion job
since I work the teaching job everyday
Coach kids in track (which ends friday sadly.)
Training my self for summer time possbily doing a compettiton I just didnt have the time nor the patience to deal with that bullshit.

Personal news
Haven't really been doin well with the lady scene..
my feelings for (you know who) still goes up and down, but mainly friends so im not really worried about it.

I did however Wash my car (sounds silly) and since im losing weight I think that is a big confidence builder right there.

so lately ive just been feeling like I need to get on that horse and start putting myself and energy back into the world. (We'll see how that goes)

thats pretty much been it.. since been on my diet haven been out drinking in awhile. (I try to stay away from that) so ive been watchin alot of movies.
Saw Wolverine. (horrible) from a comic geek fan.
star trek wasnt that bad though.

well like i always say im going to try to post a little more..summer is almost here so im sure i'll have nothing but time.

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Age where its either or!

This is through the daily discussions I have with friends about there relationship problems.

For young men such as myself in the tender age of 23-26. we have 2 choices when it comes to relationships. Strictly fucking or a long relationship that will carry over tot he age of 27+ where then we would decide if that is the woman that we want to marry or not. Now that may seem like the only two choices, but the marriage one after 27_ is all men (most men) think of thus making it a separate 3rd choice.

Now for women this age of 23-26 puts them in a quite different perdicument. Most women mainly want all those options (3). Mainly possibly option 3, because option 1 may require goign down in age..but option 2 keeps them at the same age which it seems like women are never fond of either. But option 3 comes at a price. Do they really want to get married at that age? or even be with a guy that is a much older especially since every generation varies in alot of people's personalities. Whose to say when im 30 & I want to be with a 23 year old woman that her mind set, style, personality wont be compeltely more unique to my own (or atleast what I'm use to) .

I some what feel bad for these girls at this age who are single. I'm sure they've already been thru option 1 & 2 Phase and probably really weary of Option 3 cuz they need more time. Men on the other hand have it a tad bit easier at this stage.
We'll I just started that stage so lets where I end up. Although where would that classify girls prior to this age that I dated? probably potential Option 2's and 3's.

Maybe I was just a different case?

but now I completely feel Option 1 more...although I want Option 2 I still have way too much to acomplish before i get into another relationship

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

My Kids may be Assholes

"Your Kids are goign to be 2x worst than you were"
Geezus! Help me if thats the case. Looking back from when I was a kid and looking at these kids now, you couldn't tell me shit and you damn sure can't tell these kids these days a got damn thing. atleast I was respectful for the most part & even if it took a few times to tell me or I gave lip I still did what people wanted me to do. Most of these kids (new generation which i'm sure will change by the time my kids are around the give lip age).
I pray my wife is more strict than I am. My boy(s) will be beat and taught to resepct everyone, be friends w/ everyone. My girl(s) will not be touched by me but still ahve the same values.

well from 09 me............
Good luck to future me. !!!

The Process of letting it go!

This may be a pretty lengthy one. That I may have to go back and add things here and there but let me start.

So alot of past sadder quotes have been about a particular person, my ex. I was Sad for a long time. because its very true (or atleast I say) that Men Love Hard, and women Love Fast.

well for some reason I Love Hard and Fast. and I would never consider getting into any type of relationship with anyone unless it was something I could see us progressing into more in the future.
(random women or people who i know I don't want nothing out of don't count)

Well with all that said, once again I've been holding on to this Love in my heart. when I shoulda been letting go.

In my Journal entry which was back in 3/11 I wrote an exert called "I can't escape".
Here is a piece of it:
"This is some bullshit, so I feel like I was doing good w/ the situation then fucking Bam, she invites me out to the hookah bar? what the fuck is that. I mean she didn't even wanna go there with me when we were together so why now all of a sudden did she offer to go with me. Sorry to be a tad paranoid in this situation but I can't help but to feel like I'm stepping into a gladiators Lion's den. Almost like I'm being set up/ I know thats wrong and as much as I trust her in my heart something just doesnt sit right for me.
Robyn says its because she finally stepped into the friendzone. Sorta hoping that is & isnt the case (do I really need to get into why? No) My main focus basically is that, I'm just goign to give up on trying to hide and everything from her also on caring so much (i will try) since I can't escape my feelings the only thing to do is accept them and get through with it. I told myself before to do this but now its been over 3 months, I personally think I am partyly over it and I can get another girl and be happy. but i won't lie about how she is still pulling me by a string I mean its a fishing line but its still there. "A little more time!!" Theme of the decade"

there u have it thats how iw as feeling then..but 2 weeks later I have a dream. In my journal titled "The letter in the dream"
I wont go into great detail about this but basically I had a dream before the whole "I can't escape thing" which was a dream about me giving her a letter saying "hey don't forget me, I still have all the love in the world for you, and I will never leave your side" Basically she can always count on me.
So 2 weeks later I have another dream into which we were in a classroom and she responded. saying, "don't worry, I love you too and I'll never forget you." Which honestly put me into a great ease. thinking like hey I can move on finally.

After all the keneption (sp?) about her inviting me to the hookah bar we finally went and had deep conversations mainly about her life and where it was headed or where it wasnt.
(which is a whole new topic but not my business to really spread around in detail.)

but basically the meeting at the hookah bar went well, we ate, smoked some hookah it was all good.
Also the person that I could find no wrong with I finally found somethings i wasnt really feeling that made me happy honestly cuz that fishing line i was hanging on by is now cut.

So don't get me wrong I still have so much Love for her, but Im also not hanging on to that string anymore.
I won't be sucked in like was,
I no longer have that thing hanging over my head like...what if she wants to get back what would I say.
Ofcourse I'd entertain it, but it wouldn't be an automatic yes like it was about a month ago.

Also I events have been happening and i want events to happen to me that require me to be away from any potential things holding me back from those goals.

Thats about it with this one sorry for the length. but it was needed.

So Its been awhile! Part 2 4/8

Ok so in part 1 which was almost 3 weeks ago, I promised to start being on this more and posting more blogs.
Well as you can see I've been just as busy (but still writing in the journal).
Its def. been a crazy 3 weeks!
But there will be a slight change to this Blog for a few post.
I was posting half ass poems, or writings on my emotional feelings.
But now its goign to be more experiences that has happened to me or things that I'm doing. or things I want to happen, stuff I talk about with other people...
So I'm interested to see how this is goign to go considering there are some pretty racy topics but def fun to discuss.
Maybe I'll get more followers and contributors soon!

that second Job is really starting to piss me off. It is like the mecca of Micro-managing and really getting under my skin with this whole sales thing.

I knwo I shouldnt complain about a job in "these hard times" but if i can find something else immediately or if i find out I can do some type of summer teaching aide program I may just have to quit soon.

although this is covering for my money slips a.k.a. alcohol, unneccesary food and gas.
While the Main check handles the bills.

Friday, March 20, 2009

So its been awhile, Let me give an update 3/20

Its been about 3 weeks since I last blogged.
I've been yearning to get back on here but I've just been so busy. Finally started my 2nd job so now im working a total of about 65 hours a week which sucks, i mean damn i'm only really use to about 24 from all my other previous jobs. I mean doing the substituting alone im tired everyday and usually in bed by about 10..
now thurs - fri i work job #2 4-9 and sat & sun 10-7 thats on top of working 7-3 mon- fri, and still working out and trying to keep an active social life (which isn't going the best).
I have to keep saying to myself I need the money I need the money I need the money.

So I wrote out a few thigns in my journal since Ive been gone, which I will share on here hopefully in a few days.

I got the new "The Dream" Cd which is amazing kinda makes me not miss some people helps me get over some cuts that were just scabbed up but not healed.

I have a follower now lol Thank you Moira, more are welcomed, direct them this way...
I know I dont have the best post, but i try to keep it a tad interesting.

Signing off for now hopefully I'll have those other post up soon!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Past, Future and Present

*going to bed a little early so im not going to completely write this up*

I know the tittle seems a little strange but there is a reason for it.

As I was in the shower I thought of life like this.

Are elders, are our past, they provided what were doing now and everything to it

Are kids are our Future, they will one day hold all of the responsibility in their hands.

but My generation however is the Present, our job is to make our Past Proud, and provide things now so our Futures are set up with the right tools.

So its up to the Present for everything right now...
basically im heavily relying on my generation to do the right thing in life. but at the same time follow your own path...
The Past is looking down on us, and the Future is looking towards us.

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Walmart dream

So I have the weirdest dumbest most delusional dreams.

and I'vehad this one before of me going in to walmart with just a shirt on and some socks, no underwear my mission is to go around the store and collecting clothes, all while I need to do shopping as well.
The kicker is, I'm on one Roller blade skating around like its a skateboards.

Don't as me why I have this dream I know its not the first time.

I also know that I woke up just write it in this blog, before i forget again and its still fresh..

Why do my dreams have to be so con deluded?


Thursday, March 5, 2009

Damn these OxyMorons

I've been trying to figure out the word oxymoron for weeks now because I came on to some interesting ones while I was explaining people, to other people...

1. Insecure Vain Person

Ok so I lied that was the only one I came up with
but I had an array of them last year. when I remember i'll add more

If you could never see your own reflection

How would we precieve others?
What would people Consider beauty?
What would people consider style and Talent?

I think we would only be able to judge others through their personalities and talents.
Of course I believe that the athletes would still be admired, Singers, dancers just about all entertainers IMO would still be looked up at in high regards. but even the better ones who are over looked because of there appearance now or style, (Jill Scott, Angie Stone, India Arie) would be appreciated/loved a little more.
Also the main professions such as health care and education workers would hopefully be admired more.
The whole world IMO would be a tad bitdifferent.
Yes we would know Fat-Skinny-athletic but what would define beauty?
My answer is simply Personality as I stated earlier.

When does this Train stop

Some one please let me know when to let go
or better yet even how to let go
I know why it was hard at first
But come on. I still can't find the nerve to jump

The less the run-ins the more I'm relieved.
When I least expect it, I get a signal which sets me back
I'm trying to figure out how I'm still love stoned
It is the general feeling i get with all from my past
but this is different, with her its still butterflies (or stomach aches/haven't figure it out)

I wanna get off this train though
I don't mind seeing it from time to time
but damn I can only stay seated for so long
Just stop here and let me wait at the station
I'll get on the next one that is going my way

So what if she did?

Would you even be able to handle it?
Could you even handle her?
hell would she be able to handle you?
Is that what you even want?

How would we spend our days?
Do you think we would do the same as we do now?
Or just be a lost cause?
Would days be fun or more of a hassle?

Would she even enjoy the alone time?
Would i be able to please her?
Would she even please me/ even though thats not hard.
Would our friends interfere?

Do I even want her?
Can I handle the baggage?
Can I handle the interdependence?
So what if she did? Would I accept or decline

Prisoner of my Own mind

I'm stuck here in my own mind
Being in here is like watching traffic in rush hour
There are a million thoughts and emotions
but none of them seem to be going anywhere no time soon

i love to pretend and think I'm a hero
That I can do any and everything I put my mind too
The only thing is I'ma prisoner of my mind
So I don't know how to unlock that potential

Being Stuck between these prison wallas
i don't know exactly what to feel
Whether it be happiness, sadness or all in between
there all stuck in these prison walls

When will i be free out of these walls
how long is this prison sentence?
Will someone come here and save me in time.
Can someone help me NOT be a prisoner of my own mind


This is kinda old, had some things going on as far as not being able to stick with someone.
not really a poem just questions I had.

Why would it be so hard to write this?
Why? because its never easy to let out our feelings..

Why does there have to be differences/
why does there have to be barriers

Why can't people easily let down there guard?
Why do people think things are impossible?

Why do I suddenly feel the way i do?
Why Can't there be a me and you?

I know it got bubble gummy at the end. for give that..


Is my perception of Friends Backwards?

So even though I feel as if I have an abundance of friends, I really don't use any of them for advice or help in a tight situation. I mean there are a few I know I can count on and go to usually Tina and Robyn, who are like sisters to me and I love whole heartedly. (with no offense to any other person I call my brother or sisters, or even best/good friends). Its just those 2 are different, I can unload and completely bitch about my life to them, and they will tell me straight to shut the fuck up get over it and give good advice.
I very very rarely just tell others any of the stuff I go through, maybe some other people sprinkles of information but not 100% details.
I'd completely rather have random people's advice, I feel as if their more reliable as far as un-bias opinions since they don't know you at all or as well.
I think this is weird for the simple fact I'm the one, any and everyone can come to for advice.
I will help anytime someone needs me.
I also know that any if not all my friends will do the same for me, (and as bad as this is going to sound, I dont mean it with bad intentions) I don't need them to help me. I've always been a loner when it comes to that and sometimes it gets to me, but now that I write (in a journal and blog) more I'm fine.
i don't get nearly as stressed as I use to, where the hell has this been since i was like 5 (pretty much since I could write).

Just thought I would share.


Just wanted to see if this would bunp it up a tad?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The intentions of me even Blogging

So at Random unimportant times in my life, (and I say unimportant because usually shitty shit is happening) I tend to write in a notebook/journal.

There usually just Random Thoughts, Poems, Songs, or just cursing in on paper because i wanna yell while im at that specific place.

So i figured no one sees these entries i put in, and majority of the time id rather not have anyone see them anyway (atleast the people I know).

So I thought to myself one day :::Tony::: why not just have random people read some of these things and have a tad bit of feedback for some of the things (since I actually think there are some of my writings that are actually decent enough to atleast be critiqued).

I've had a Blog before but it was for a class that i never used.
I'm not grammatically correct, 80% of the time, so if there are comments, this is fair warning i dont, so it should be expected...

If anyone does happen to come across these collections of confused misinterpretations welcome and thanks for giving me the time!


Haven't quite figured out how ima sign these blogs yet...may be one of those i may just get lazy