Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Getting Back to Basics (Part 3)

That diet (mentioned in buring bridges ) is basically over for me. I have no excuses not to go out. I reached back out to some of the connections I feel like I lost. I re-started up my facebook (which is kinda creepy considering they keep all your information). I'm trying hard to get back what I lost through the last several months. Not an impossible task for me (I'm hoping).
I went to a party the other weekend, which was shockingly fun. I say shockingly because the cast of people I expected to be there weren't but yet I still had a great time. Without drinking I was still completely entertained. Which also brings me to this point where I have an unexpected bond with someone who I honestly never would of imagined me having a good friendship with. Especially since when we first me we weren't cool at all, our friendship grew, but it was always limited. That made me think like in the last blog (see Am I selfish )how selfish have I been?
(Selfishly I say) I believe I can honestly be a gift some how in anyone's life (sorry if that sounds conceited I just always felt like that for the people I know).
Moving along, I have been trying to get out a little more, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of how my life once was and should again.)
I have a lot of Ground to make up with people as well as my own self-being. I'm not going to be as "destructive" as I once was. I'm older (just turned 24 oct 26th), wiser and have sen myself down that path, so I won't go crazy with destructive decisions again. Besides I have no real reason to do all of that stuff again and I lost my taste for alot of things (food wise and socially), along with trying to stay healthy. I feel as if I'm back to normal just slightly more mature than I was once.
I think a quote that I will always stand by is, I don't believe people Change, but I do think they can improve. I'm still me so I didn't change, but I certainly believe I improved.
I feel as if I can handle my responsibilities now as a friend and as a mature adult. Perfect Example:
I was back on the job recently, I had to try my best to up lift more than one person. (Which I haven't done or cared to do when I was going through (Part 1 and Part 2 of my blogs) my little stink)
I believe I did a pretty good job of helping out with the few scenarios I've been given lately. It also felt good to do those sort of things for people again.
I also went out twice this week and just sat back and conversed with 2 friends. I felt like this is what I should of been doing for a long time. I mentally haven't felt this good in a while. I talked about things I kept under wraps or my "never to be talked about again" list. I talked about them freely just as they should of been discussed...as my past. Things that shouldn't had bothered me as much or at all anymore.

I feel a little better better a little bit more free.
I know im not all the way cured or forgiven from alot of aspect, but I feel great and this was definitely a start!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Have I been selfish? (Who I am, Hates who I've been) Part 2

So It was a good day. I had a good work day in class. Crystal Light was on sale 2 boxes for $3 dollars at shoppers (all I drink is this stuff and water so understand this was a great deal). I had on my new Nautica Fleece, which looked great with my new work out Nike Reax 3 shoes, and Great work out pants. Just an all around awesome day.

I then ran into someone I haven't seen in 6 years. I wouldn't exactly say an old friend, but an acquaintance at best. To be honest this has been someone I've been waiting to see. Back in High School we weren't enemies, nor friends, we had a a run in back then, but it was old High school drama so it was temporary. It was smoothed out easily, but I was never really a fan of this person from the start anyway. Their attitude and personality had been something I always just sort of despised from that person. But I wanted to run into 'em because I had been hearing that there was a complete 360 degree change with this person.
Now I believe people can improve but not really so much change, Kind of like that quote, You can take the boy/girl out of the (location) but you can't take the (location) out of the boy girl. The changes I had heard about 'em seemed a little out of reach for this particular one.
So we passed each other probably about 3-4 times before we realized who each other were. (Actually I had no idea the whole time, until they stopped me.) Outside appearance has changed for the both of us, but from the first hand shake I could see the inside changed for 'em as well.
It felt sort of strange, it was like walking and meeting a preacher (when they were a straight sinner back in the day) you could just feel the warmth and aura just radiating out from 'em. (I always felt like my special worldly gift was to get people and feel aura, yea weird I know).
After talking to him for about 10-15 mins I saw what the rumors have been entailing. It was a completely new and different person. Its as if someone wiped his mind clean and created a new person. What makes it even better is old times never once came up in our conversation. Which was good for a change since thats what seems to come up with everyone I run into from my past. Once again its as if I was talking to a complete stranger. All that was talked about was present and future. To sum it up, it was just really great to see this person, and I for one would of NEVER imagined those words coming out of my mouth for this person.

This meeting sort of put a tight perspective on my life and in a way made me think about my actions (see Burning bridges ). Have I been selfish all this time? Why have I shut myself off when I should have been keeping my bonds to people close. I honestly had no idea that these people that I pushed out of my life or never was attached to were so different now. I'm sure not everyone but a vast majority had to "grow up" in a sense (with me being no exception). Is this what I've been mising out on for the past 7 months. Hell for the past damn near 7 years!!! (since I graduated High school). I'm not a judgemental person, but I have been pushing away people I thought I didn't need in my life. Turns out even though I may not have a constant communication with these people, they all are still a piece of me, whether I wanted to believe that or not. I've always felt as if I made a difference in every person that I encountered lives (as selfish as that sounds). So who am I to take myself ouf of that for people (again as selfish as that sounds).
I guess I had a moment of weakness where I was tired of being that "GO TO" person for everyone. I just wanted to be me and left alone. I never did anything for myself and for the past 7 months I did. I gave up on my original life, I had my mental break, now I guess im ready to get back in to people's lives if they'll have me.

I'm sorry to those who I may of offended or upset during my mental and physical hiatus from my old life. I apologize

I have to admit though the mental break was nice, and I can't say I'm not a changed person because of it. Good did come out of it, but more broken bonds did also.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Today is a good day, Time to burn some Bridges (Part 1)

May 1, 2009, The D day of one Anthony Hawkins.
That is the day my initial diet started...
This is the day I cut myself off...
This is the day I shut everyone out...

It all started with me just wanting to lose some weight, get some abs a few cuts. It then became a full on obsession with me yearning for the perfect body.
I let it get out of control, I'll be the first to admit it.
It started with cutting out alcohol, who would of ever thought going to bars and restaurants would comprise of my entire social gathering/lifestyle.
Don't get me wrong I'm no stranger to the refreshing tasty alcoholic beverages, but wow did I need them to have a great time? Hell even a moderately mild time?
What makes it even worst is that I had some hard times, where I wanted nothing more but to hit the bar or just the bottle for that matter. Yea I know it sounds bad, but remember I have been drinking for a LOOONG time. So yea I had a bit of a problem (maybe...) and by definition an alcoholic (which I still deny....Kinda).

So now its been 6 months Alcohol free, and just to be completely honest these months have been horrible. Not fromt he aspect of "whoa as me I'm depressed." Just in the retrospect of me being extremely bored with life, and I lost proably about 75-80% of my friends. (Which was only really 15% of the friends that I even maintained from High School and Middle School).
To be honest I didn't care. My only focus was working out. Even if I had to lose people in the process, who cared! No one was feeding me, no one was paying my bills. No one was giving me back rubs when I was hurting. So I cut myself off from everyone. Burned down alot of bridges with friends. But Did I care? NOPE! As long as it was a good day in the gym, I wasn't concerned about anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I needed this mental break. My life has never been about me. For once it is; I dont have to answer questions, listen to silly gossip about people I don't know and/or care about, Hearing about other peoples shitty day (when I'm barely getting through mine). It is nice for a change, Its not exactly a burden listening to people (its what I do, probably my Manifest Destiny) I just don't want to deal with it. I was also still going through a break up which had happened months before, but I was still going crazy about it. As much as I hate to admit it that fucked my head up a lot more than I thought. Also the plan for me to go to Japan made me want to drop people also. Hard to explain why I guess since I saw it as "I'm leaving anyway and won't have much contact with anyone but a certain few. So why even bother keeping up with the people who I speak with sparingly? There not doing anything for me now, they damn sure won't do much for me then."
Sorry that was just my frame of mind.

Lets be honest, physically I got everything I wanted to achieve. There is no time for distractions when you have a goal. Mentally I broke down, no friends to chill with (by choice), no girlfriend, nothing to truly occupy my time. I don't like huge crowds so no concerts, parties, bars. I'm not anti social by a long shot, But It just wasn't completely me.

I have changed a great deal under these 6 months, but to be honest, I don't see any of it as bad.
I don't really associate with people who were bad for me anymore.
I don't go straight to the bottle when I'm depressed sad.
I'm border line OCD now so I clean and organize a little more something I always needed in my life.
I'm stronger mentally all around.
I can honestly say I know me, I know who I am, I know what I want. To where I didn't know before.

Am I proud of the method I took to gain those things? No not really, but I have to credit that method to most of my good points right now!

Thats basically it, You live you learn, Period.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The Chase Isn't Worth the Prize

Ladies, Ladies...................What you do to us men, is not only unfair, but its pointless.
Yes women hold ALL the power when men are in the chasing and pursuit for a young ladies courtship. Seriously ladies though, just stop the games and antics. The things you guys do are truly pointless, just be real with us. If you like us, dont make us wait (in a non-sexual way). I dont know know about other guys but that whole Chase thing turns m e off. Yes make it a challenge but don't make it into a marathon or mission impossible. Fellas I don't know about you but I don't hunt for my food, its already at the store I just have to get it and cook it (Let me explain that metaphor because i just saw that frown on your faces).
What I mean is the stone age is over, although I feel things should be more like the past (basically men being men and gentlemen) There shouldn't be a need for the waiting game. Why do I have to play 21 questions with trying to find a mate, where each question is 1 week long. This isn't cavemen times,There is no need to go on a 2 week long journey to find food. Check us out, do your quick investigation and let us know the outcome.
Why does your mind games even have to happen?
Why is it neccessary to push buttons before you get with the guy?
I realize you all are trying to see if this person would be right for you, but somethings push us away, and you turn us into things that you didn't want us to be in the first place. Sometimes you take it way to far and as men we have to put our foot down, which is usually the answers or reactions you don't want to see with us. Which is also out of character for yourselves at times.

I've seen pictures you take with your girlfriends...wild and crazy, funny faces, etc.. Your not to different from men, so don't act high and mighty as if all men are immature, thus causing that to be the reason for the games.

I'm going to let you guys know about 2 situations where the chase got pointless for me so I stopped and the other 2 girls lost out (in my selfish opinion about how well of a suitor I make).

1st Situation:
A girl pushed and pushed, claiming she never has seen me mad. So she played little games and made up small lies about certain things that would usually have most guys either running for the hills or completely go berserk on someone. Well she got to me (which its hard to make me mad, but I wasn't boiling, but enough to irratate me, which is still rather rare for me.)
After I realized there was no gold at the end of the rainbow things started to change. She zig Zag'ed and looped around me so much during the chase that I got tired and just stopped and cut it off all together.

2nd Situation:
I chased this particular one for a long time. (Lets just say on and off for some years) There was always something that got in the way of us. (Think of going out fishing, catching a fish in the hook, but it keeps fighting and gets away.)
You keep catching it, but it never gets close enough for you to reel it in and put it in your boat. How many tries do you need before you just move on to other side of the ocean, and try to get a different fish in the sea.
Well thats what I did, I paddled out a little more, dropped a new lure and patiently waited at the other side of the sea.

The funny part is in both of my scenarios those 2 girls tried to come back after I was pretty much done chasing them. I moved on, but I guess its true what they say, "You don't know what you got til its gone."

Moral of the story is, its ok to play hard to get, but don't get carried away with it. You can only play monopoly for so long, before someone's money is almost gone or you just get tired of playing the game.

Be honest this applies to a VAST majority of the women in this world. Because a lot of you know you hold power to a lot of the guys that are chasing you.

But with the games you play, you could Truly be missing out on something great.
There is always a diamond in the rough, and you could be still kicking dirt over it.

Just think about it next time you put someone through a maze before you even give them a chance. They just not play along with you anymore.

That is not a question of if a guy can hang with you, or is right for you, its a question of are you right for him, Men don't deserve that alot of times.