Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Its always Right Situation Wrong time for me FML x4

I'm writing this off feeling and stuff that always happens to me, this may be a little strong at times but bare with me.

Story of my life is that I meet or reconnect with a potential girlfriend, but it never seems to be the right time...
Lack of money, Still don't have my own place, still have dreams of going overseas...and I know alot of you may think. "Well why does it matter if you like someone so much go for it"
Its not that easy for me.
I have mentioned in past post, that I'm very old fashioned, so I want to be the Man of relationship, be able to provide, and spoil.
I'm 24 and will be 25 in October, any relationship I get in from this point on has to have the potential of me getting married to that person. With that said I feel personally I need to be ready for that possibility and with the current situation im in now, I'm not plain and simple.
Also with me planning on going overseas (which this will be the last year I attempt before I let that dream go Aug 2011) I'm sort of feeling, why get into a relationship, and get really deep into it, and then bam just leave. Even though that seems inconsiderate, Going overseas has been a life long dream for me, so its kind of Live for Love or Live for my Dreams.
Thats a tough choice considering my biggest fear in life is being alone.

Now on to the reason this is being written.
There has been a girl I have ALWAYS just had that connection with. I have never had the pleasure of being able to be with. There is a huge history lesson between us but I'll condense to a small summary.
I have known this girl since I was 12, and even then as kids there was a sort of connection. As we grew so did our relationship and feelings, but as teens we couldn't really be together because of certain factors *not to be disclosed*
As we grew up, we always checked up on each other through the years, but either I was in a relationship or she was in one, but we remained friends (we still are).
There was one sliver of hope when I turned 21 when I finally became single, and I believe she was, but we didn't act on it.
That brings us to the present, Both of us are 24, Single, but just not in good situations.
With the type of schedule I have (or will have) I'll be working 7-3, Gym 4-6 then dinner and finishing up work (possibly classes) So the only time I will have is weekends.
I did the Long distance, weekends relationship once, and it wasn't my favorite thing to do in all honesty, and once again im older and have alot more stressors, so I would very much so want more and to see more of this person.
I would go into the characteristics of how I think our relationship would be, but lets just go with it would be a very fun and fulfilling relationship.

I think all in all I'm afraid, I already care about this person alot (I think we both have those feelings) but I know I will drop everything for her, and thats something I can't afford to do right now, not with the plans that I want to happen for myself.
Now Please don't get that confused with me saying I think she will hold me back, no that's not the case at all, and she is actually all for me going and one of my biggest supporters. I'm just referring to wanting to settling down with her (possibly) instead of going overseas which is right now #1 Priority.
It just extremely sucks when this is finally a Right situation but the Wrong time in life.

As the saying goes, "If its meant to be it will be"

The least I can Hope for is a chance with her when everything is right our lives to see where it could really land us.

Now I'm not a complete sap I am also making room for any other possibilities that may come my way. I'm not holding out for one person, maybe there are people better out there for both of us, but the best thing right now is that were still and always will be great friends, and I feel that's the most important thing.

I don't know should I really pass up happiness. thats what the debate really is. sigh...

Thanks for listening to the rant. I may edit this for other developments as they happen with this situation.

Monday, August 16, 2010

3 months with no update??? Let me change that!

I can't say this has been the best 3 months for me...
Lets start with going overseas to teach.
Well I got into EPIK, which is teaching in Korea, problem is I got in all my visa requirements to late (story of my life). So I am no longer going during the original August date I was suppose to leave (technically today)
Now I am pushing for a March Date (unless I get this job) which to where I will have to push for next august. Either way I feel disappointed that I'm not overseas fulfilling my dreams.
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for the moment.

Well with that it makes it more difficult on me job wise because I was substitute teaching and I stopped working in June, so I have been 2 months without a job. School Starts next week but Substituting is not what I want to do, but I have to do something for money. Stripping isn't exactly in my future for right now.

It also doesn't help that I have been frivolously spending money at bars, on food I dont need. I'm usually really tight on money but I have been in a I just want to have fun attitude lately.

This attitude brings me in to the Love life. Which has been (and technically still is) Non existant for the past 2 years.

I do have a lady I am really interested in (I will do a separate blog about this situation) but I because of my job situation and this fun attitude, I don't think I can be in a relationship at the moment. I know for a fact that the superficial stuff doesn't mean anything to her, but it means alot to me.
I may of mentioned this in a blog or two, but I am a very old fashioned guy and I have to be the provider a.k.a The Man! of a relationship.
and it Honestly just hurts.

There are other girls who I would like to get to know better, but i feel hindered 1. because of my financial situation. but 2. because I really like the young lady mentioned above.

I feel like a typical guy in the situation to where I want my cake and eat it too.
What makes it worst is that I'm not that type of guy so that sucks.

Once again I'll get more into that in another blog.

Other than that I mean life has been pretty normal for me, I stay in about 6 days a week, go out once a week and just kinda roll with the punches.

I have been a little Stressed with everything, but I just kinda sit back and pray things will work the way their suppose to work, no matter what that should be.

I wish i could think of more to give you guys as an update, but I really don't so for now i'll just relax....
(edit if i need to)