Thursday, November 5, 2009

Today is a good day, Time to burn some Bridges (Part 1)

May 1, 2009, The D day of one Anthony Hawkins.
That is the day my initial diet started...
This is the day I cut myself off...
This is the day I shut everyone out...

It all started with me just wanting to lose some weight, get some abs a few cuts. It then became a full on obsession with me yearning for the perfect body.
I let it get out of control, I'll be the first to admit it.
It started with cutting out alcohol, who would of ever thought going to bars and restaurants would comprise of my entire social gathering/lifestyle.
Don't get me wrong I'm no stranger to the refreshing tasty alcoholic beverages, but wow did I need them to have a great time? Hell even a moderately mild time?
What makes it even worst is that I had some hard times, where I wanted nothing more but to hit the bar or just the bottle for that matter. Yea I know it sounds bad, but remember I have been drinking for a LOOONG time. So yea I had a bit of a problem (maybe...) and by definition an alcoholic (which I still deny....Kinda).

So now its been 6 months Alcohol free, and just to be completely honest these months have been horrible. Not fromt he aspect of "whoa as me I'm depressed." Just in the retrospect of me being extremely bored with life, and I lost proably about 75-80% of my friends. (Which was only really 15% of the friends that I even maintained from High School and Middle School).
To be honest I didn't care. My only focus was working out. Even if I had to lose people in the process, who cared! No one was feeding me, no one was paying my bills. No one was giving me back rubs when I was hurting. So I cut myself off from everyone. Burned down alot of bridges with friends. But Did I care? NOPE! As long as it was a good day in the gym, I wasn't concerned about anything else.

Don't get me wrong, I needed this mental break. My life has never been about me. For once it is; I dont have to answer questions, listen to silly gossip about people I don't know and/or care about, Hearing about other peoples shitty day (when I'm barely getting through mine). It is nice for a change, Its not exactly a burden listening to people (its what I do, probably my Manifest Destiny) I just don't want to deal with it. I was also still going through a break up which had happened months before, but I was still going crazy about it. As much as I hate to admit it that fucked my head up a lot more than I thought. Also the plan for me to go to Japan made me want to drop people also. Hard to explain why I guess since I saw it as "I'm leaving anyway and won't have much contact with anyone but a certain few. So why even bother keeping up with the people who I speak with sparingly? There not doing anything for me now, they damn sure won't do much for me then."
Sorry that was just my frame of mind.

Lets be honest, physically I got everything I wanted to achieve. There is no time for distractions when you have a goal. Mentally I broke down, no friends to chill with (by choice), no girlfriend, nothing to truly occupy my time. I don't like huge crowds so no concerts, parties, bars. I'm not anti social by a long shot, But It just wasn't completely me.

I have changed a great deal under these 6 months, but to be honest, I don't see any of it as bad.
I don't really associate with people who were bad for me anymore.
I don't go straight to the bottle when I'm depressed sad.
I'm border line OCD now so I clean and organize a little more something I always needed in my life.
I'm stronger mentally all around.
I can honestly say I know me, I know who I am, I know what I want. To where I didn't know before.

Am I proud of the method I took to gain those things? No not really, but I have to credit that method to most of my good points right now!

Thats basically it, You live you learn, Period.

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