Friday, August 14, 2009
Give me Heartbreak again!
As I was talking to my friend, we were talking about how much it sucks to end relationships, especially if you get shitted on (at least in your opinion).
But heartbreak is part of relationships, better yet life!
I feel like the 4 times (possibly more) That I felt heartbreak I took all of them the wrong way. Which was way harder than I needed to. I've admitted to myself (also somewhere in this blog) that yes I have a soft heart, I'm one of those "Sensitive" guys. I wear my heart on my sleeve, not many of us "good guys" out there, but it seems like most women just want bad boys
I wasn't going to but let me explain my 4 heartbreaks thus far. (Well what I did after I should say) There will be no names, no dates and times, just reactions!
4. I may of did the heart breaking, but I felt like shit and still was heart broken also. I became stagnant. Only wanted to search for the right now, not right. Just wanted some fun and took advantage of some uncalled for situations to fill my void. Alot of drinking (misery loves company)
3. Ok I was in the wrong with the whole situation, (I should of never gotten myself into it knowing what it already was) But I fooled myself, made myself believe that there was a chance even though I was totally going against my own rules (she cheats on him she'll cheat on you). Maybe it was the chase, Maybe it was the thrill, but I honestly think it was just the crazy chemistry we had.
Once again, I blamed myself for not being what they truly wanted, pushing to hard on this one. Trying to mix oil and water. After this I went into drinking alot partying more. Filing the void again.
2. Once again another situation I probably shouldn't of gotten into. The crazy thing was it didn't start that way. It started like "hey it is what it is, nothing will really come of it". I guess this one just kinda progressed as we got to know each other better. I was sure this was what I wanted. I fell hard.
Even Harder when it was over. To point where I was anti-social didn't want to talk to no one, just do my thing. I didn't drink or go overboard, but it made me realize who I need to cut out my life, who's in it for me, and who's just in it.
1. Damn near wanted to commit suicide because I was so depressed about why she did it. Was I not good enough. Was it because of my looks?
But this is the one that started my initial weight loss so I guess I gotta thank her for that.
Now out of those 4 situations, I'm Really good friends with 2 of them we speak consistently, Speak to the 1 of them on a inconsistent basis, and don't speak to the other one what so ever.
Yes I'm one of those guys who want Closure, wants to knos why something didn't work out. Even though it hurts, and I may not be happy with the answer, but fuck it, its an answer right?
Can't go your whole life not knowing what 1+1 is, eventually you have to know how to improve. You can't improve on your mistakes, if you dont know how you got into them!
This is why I think I want to be heart broken again. Just so I can evaluate how I act, what measures to take, maybe this time I can do it right handle it better.
Or maybe I can not put so much heart into things like I usually do and take it for what its worth.
I dont want to get in another relationship anytime soon but my next one I will be careful, and observe myself more in it.
So Heartbreak I could go without again, but if it happens, I think I'm ready for this one. (at least I hope!!!)