Geez, I'm sorry my minimal followers, I don't forget about the blog, its just I don't have time or just way to lazy to do it.
And once again I don't want to make this a "My life in Korea" type blog, so I try to steer away from updating it every few days with random facts about Korea. Although I dont mind telling you things that happen, but my days are pretty normal, and weekends are a bit out of control (which I will get into).
So where do I start?
The last update was around November, but Let me go back to October and things that happen in the States.
I missed Halloween, which I don't celebrate anyway, but I do go out and drink with the crowd (in my normal everyday clothes). Its hard seeing all these picture of people who went out and had a good time, and I'm in Korea and at a random bar that has no themes, just drinking.
I guess its not all bad but Halloween is 5 days after my birthday so I'm use to people bunching the 2 together.
My best friends Grandma died, who also treated me like a grandson.. I was extremely sad about that and with the combination of not being home to help him through it all hurt alot. it was still my 1st week of classes and I was hating teaching Elementary school All that built up and I honestly Shut down. When I say shut down, I came home that day at 5:15 pm, layed on my bed and slept til Midnight. (its not me, I hate sleeping in the day time, and don't take naps)
Thanksgiving... all I can really do is put a Sad face on this :(
I was extremely hurt finding out there are no turkeys here.
My family didn't make it easier since EVERYONE happened to be in town (back home) and it was a huge Thanksgiving dinner without me. I called and talked to everyone (mostly drunk people) and I missed home
Talking to anyone from back home makes it hard on me everytime.
I love it here in Korea I do, but I miss my friends and family. Its strange I guess I didn't appreciate them as much when I was home.
Those 3 events alone Has made me miss home and I debated, leaving for a weekend and going, but the money it cost to do that and the actual flight and days I would of even got off wouldn't of been worth it.
On more positive notes.
I've finally got accumulated to schools im at, and kind of like these little buggers.
I hate my 3rd grade but i only see them 2 days and I have kids in those classes I do like.
My 4th graders are really smart and fun to be around
My 1st graders are the smartest 6 year olds I know.
My 2nd graders try hard and their polite
My Kindergartens are cute, and really just enjoy being in your presence.
I actually like spicy food now. I think I said in another post, I tried to avoid Kimchi like the plague, but now I eat it like it is the cure to the plague.
My body and mouth just got use to it.
I joined a gym and got my protein, so my diet has improved and finally my body can be in shape.
I have visited a few places. I have yet to do anything Culturally though
On the Weekends I just get extremely blacked out Drunk (which I didn't do at home like this) But its been pretty bad.
I have to admit I feel like my maturity level has gone down alot. (although its not like I was mister responsible at home)
My OCD has went up though I feel like my apt is always dirty (when in fact I have the cleanest, ***shhh don't tell the people I live near that***
I feel like I had more to say but my mind is drawing blank right now.
but until then I guess I'm off
OH YEA
I finished my 30 days of Truth (a month ago) but I will start releasing Starting Tuesday the 14 Thanks for being patient
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Week 2 and 3 in Korea with Pictures!!!!
There is my picture gallery of Korea so far ^ above. (click the 1 pic to see them all)
This place is great thus far.
Week 2 I had a bit of a rough patch but other than that its going decently well. I still love it here, and have no plans of leaving anytime soon.
There is so much to absorb and observe there is no way I can do that all in one year.
I love all my Apartment mates.
Week 2:
I have been doing Middle school and Highschool for so long, I forgot the madness of Elementary School.
I was a little taken back and in shock because here the Kids run absolutely rampid through the hallways, In class they are fighting and yelling out. It is as if there is no class that taught school and classroom ettiquette. The kids can be controlled for maybe intervals of 2 minutes, but then its back to the same rambouchous behavior to which I had no patience for in America.
I understand these kids (who I teach) are under 10 years old, but the shushhh sign is pretty universal and should stick with a kid.
Also the fact that I have no idea what any of them are saying isn't helping me keep my composure.
My Mon-Wed school, I love the employees, but the kids I want to elbow drop.
My Thur&Fri school, I love the kids, but the principal intimidates me (not as a man but as a dumb American foreigner) by literally changing my fingers to hold chopsticks and spoons the Korean way. Also to eat int he correct food order. It border lines makes me want to get up and stone cold stun him.
I guess you really can't have the best of both worlds.
So Friday night, I decide I had the worst week in school one can possibly have. I decided to pull out he soju & diet coke. Then I proceeded to let lose, which was not a good idea. We'll keep it at that.
We also went out of my town Saturday to Busan. I had an amazing time with the people I met from orientation. I met some new people and decided to branch away from my buddies I came with to continue to party and hang out with the new people. (Damn when will I learn from these careless mistakes)
I decided at 5 a.m. in the morning (after partying) I didn't want to stay and sleep in Busan but I wanted to head home into my own bed, and beat my apartment mates home.
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN
instead I got on the wrong bus and took a 9 hour joy ride (sarcasm) around Korea (no where in korea should take you more than 4-5 hours to get to and I was only 2 from where I lived).
I didn't get home til nearly 5 p.m. I was hungry, cranky and about to yell at or moon the next Korean to stare me down as if I was an alien.
Long story short, it was a shitty week.
Week 3
I had to make this week better, I had to be more prepared for my classes, I had to be accepting at whatever comes my way, and I needed to be smarter about my decisions.
Thats pretty much happened. Now that I'm in partial control, the Kids are better, I'm always studying and understanding alot more Korean(getting lost for 9 hours also pretty much forces the language upon you when your making frequent bus stops and have to hop off and figure out where your at so you can take the next bus home.
So it was a good School week.
The weekend was very restful, I found out my PS3 doesnt explode with the 220 volt power here. So this stay in Korea literally just got better.
I hang out with all of my Apartment mates that I live in the same building with. There all different but all great people that complete this friendship circle that we have bonded with.
I like them all as if we had been friends for years.
All in all I had a succesful Week 3.
I probably won't be updating this as if its a "My Life in Korea" Blog, but I will definitely share my highs, lows, funny, sad, whacky and spectacular experiences here.
Enjoy the little bit of pics, find me on facebook if you want to see them all.
Cheers
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Week 1 in Korea
Let me start of by saying that this experience has been the best I have had in my entire life.
Life wasn't going at its greatest and now I feel like everything is just going completely right and I love it.
I'm in Andong in the Gyeonsang buk-do Province of Korea. "An" stands for comfortable and "dong" stands for city and thats exactly how I feel here, COMFORTABLE.
I've never been much of a city folk but here is just completely different, people are nice, your a star here and there are so many places to eat, drink, shop, just have a good time.
I am not going to be teaching, I will be in a training facility making audio tapes and doing conference calls, which is very very convient because I am with 8 other english speakers which is very very rare in the program that I'm working with.
All of them are very cool people. But our building is under construction so we don't start til mid december and until then im teaching elementary school :( but thats fine because these kids think every english speaker is a Star.
(its hard getting use to saying english speaker instead of American lol)
Everyone I met this week have been great people, i see it as everyone has a common goal and interest so you put 100+ of those people together you usually click really fast.
I have met tons of UK, South African, Canadian, Irish, New Zealand and Australian people here. Everything I thought I knew about other english speaking countries has been thrown out the window. I love majority of these people upon first meeting them.
My apartment is futurist (in my eyes but almost all apts are like this out here) I have heated floors, i have a keypad lock which is awesome.
The only thing that is weird is that the bathroom doubles as your shower. so the Shower cord is connected to the sink and you basically take a shower where you wash your hands and use the toilet.
Food is great here, the only problem I have with this place is that I eat Rice and potatoes in about every possible form and its hard to get meat or chicken here.
You all know that I work out religiously and the fact that im eating majority Carbs now is killing me, what makes up for it is that I walk EVERYWHERE usually about 2 hours a day of just walking walking walking. I also have done a total of 20 push ups in 10 days which is No bueno, good thing we're joining the gym today.
My stomach is also just getting accustomed to the food here, between all the carbs (i mean rice and noodles) and then the Spicy its hard on the valves.
All in all its a great experience that I like and cant wait to explore more. Signing off.
btw, im at day 21 of my 30 days of truth so I'll be posting those hopefully with in the next week or 2
Life wasn't going at its greatest and now I feel like everything is just going completely right and I love it.
I'm in Andong in the Gyeonsang buk-do Province of Korea. "An" stands for comfortable and "dong" stands for city and thats exactly how I feel here, COMFORTABLE.
I've never been much of a city folk but here is just completely different, people are nice, your a star here and there are so many places to eat, drink, shop, just have a good time.
I am not going to be teaching, I will be in a training facility making audio tapes and doing conference calls, which is very very convient because I am with 8 other english speakers which is very very rare in the program that I'm working with.
All of them are very cool people. But our building is under construction so we don't start til mid december and until then im teaching elementary school :( but thats fine because these kids think every english speaker is a Star.
(its hard getting use to saying english speaker instead of American lol)
Everyone I met this week have been great people, i see it as everyone has a common goal and interest so you put 100+ of those people together you usually click really fast.
I have met tons of UK, South African, Canadian, Irish, New Zealand and Australian people here. Everything I thought I knew about other english speaking countries has been thrown out the window. I love majority of these people upon first meeting them.
My apartment is futurist (in my eyes but almost all apts are like this out here) I have heated floors, i have a keypad lock which is awesome.
The only thing that is weird is that the bathroom doubles as your shower. so the Shower cord is connected to the sink and you basically take a shower where you wash your hands and use the toilet.
Food is great here, the only problem I have with this place is that I eat Rice and potatoes in about every possible form and its hard to get meat or chicken here.
You all know that I work out religiously and the fact that im eating majority Carbs now is killing me, what makes up for it is that I walk EVERYWHERE usually about 2 hours a day of just walking walking walking. I also have done a total of 20 push ups in 10 days which is No bueno, good thing we're joining the gym today.
My stomach is also just getting accustomed to the food here, between all the carbs (i mean rice and noodles) and then the Spicy its hard on the valves.
All in all its a great experience that I like and cant wait to explore more. Signing off.
btw, im at day 21 of my 30 days of truth so I'll be posting those hopefully with in the next week or 2
Saturday, October 23, 2010
I'm in Korea!!!
So I didn't die on my dreaded 14 1/2 hour flight
I'm in Seoul Korea at my teaching orientation meeting some cool Americans, South Africans, New Zealand(ers), and just multiple nice Korean people.
Its a shame I won't be here the whole time, there are more English speaking people then I imagined, still a pain in the ass to get around, but its fun.
Every Where you go every car has GPS/DVD/Navi and the speed limit is like 100mph out here. It blinks when your going to slow for traffic....Simply amazing.
Right now im in a Dorm room so its really close nip in here and the wireless internet sort of sucks So my laptop is dieing as I type because i don't quite trust the converters yet. (although there is an American plug in my room.....Weird)
Well I'm going to sign off for now but I may keep editing this post,
My 30 days of Truth is coming soon as well so be on the look out
I'm in Seoul Korea at my teaching orientation meeting some cool Americans, South Africans, New Zealand(ers), and just multiple nice Korean people.
Its a shame I won't be here the whole time, there are more English speaking people then I imagined, still a pain in the ass to get around, but its fun.
Every Where you go every car has GPS/DVD/Navi and the speed limit is like 100mph out here. It blinks when your going to slow for traffic....Simply amazing.
Right now im in a Dorm room so its really close nip in here and the wireless internet sort of sucks So my laptop is dieing as I type because i don't quite trust the converters yet. (although there is an American plug in my room.....Weird)
Well I'm going to sign off for now but I may keep editing this post,
My 30 days of Truth is coming soon as well so be on the look out
Friday, October 1, 2010
NEW PAGE LAYOUT!~ Oct 1st Update!
Welcome to the new Digs!
I know im super late on re-designing the blog, but hey better late than never.
Quick Update. I could possibly be leaving for Korea in 3 weeks!
(if you haven't known I got a job offer to teach in Korea, I would link the blog but can't (well don't feel like) find it.
Maybe there is a reason why all the female situations in the past 4 months haven't worked out...
My birthday is Oct 26, If i leave though I'll be gone the 22nd.
just wanted to promote the new blog Lay out so I wont get into to much
The 30 Days of Truth are on there way. I'm halfway through it on my journal
There is an about me now "What's it all about" (which could randomly change)
The Classics, Old blogs that I feel should still be viewed and commented on!
There may be more but who knows im usually lazy with that stuff and what I already did was alot of work.
Welcome new followers, please dont mind the random babble.
I know im super late on re-designing the blog, but hey better late than never.
Quick Update. I could possibly be leaving for Korea in 3 weeks!
(if you haven't known I got a job offer to teach in Korea, I would link the blog but can't (well don't feel like) find it.
Maybe there is a reason why all the female situations in the past 4 months haven't worked out...
My birthday is Oct 26, If i leave though I'll be gone the 22nd.
just wanted to promote the new blog Lay out so I wont get into to much
The 30 Days of Truth are on there way. I'm halfway through it on my journal
There is an about me now "What's it all about" (which could randomly change)
The Classics, Old blogs that I feel should still be viewed and commented on!
There may be more but who knows im usually lazy with that stuff and what I already did was alot of work.
Welcome new followers, please dont mind the random babble.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Teen Mom on MTV good or bad?
Ok so I'm 24 (25 in one more month) and I've been watching MTV since my family got cable t.v. back in 1991.
To get to the point I tend to gravitate towards MTV (if not ESPN) when I'm bored or its late night.
There is a show called Teen MOM that started from 16 and Pregnant.
I don't know how to feel about this show.
The Good.
It shows the true hardships that Teenage Moms go through.
There is not one really happy Mom on that show so I guess that serves as a warning for majority of teenage moms.
The ladies Love their babies and seem to want to do anything to make them happy, while barely scratching and surviving themselves.
I think only one of them Graduated highschool (not positive though).
I do see things like Help hotlines being promoted.
The Bad.
Could this be promoting, hey if you have a baby at a young age, you too can be on MTV?
Along with the bad, they show a lot of the good. Some of those things, ease the minds of teenage girls having babies.
I don't think I have seen One Safe Sex ad (condoms, birth control) being promoted on that show.
I know that this is reality TV and its entertaining for some people, but I can't really determine if this is a good message to send out to the youth of this generation.
I mean I'm sure shows like Jersey shore and house wives aren't exactly education tv, but should there really be a show about teenage moms?
I feel for some of them, but one of them really irritates me and that is Farrah.
No other Mom on that shows complains more about struggling and finding a guy more than she does. (When I feel she is the most attractive)
On top of that she claims to be so broke, when yet she had to get a new car, and gets a 2009 Dodge Caliber.
She has the nicest apartment of all of them.
We know MTV pays them, so on top of them "working" they also get paid from MTV (I don't know exactly how much but I do know Real world cast makes about 30-50k for the 6 weeks their on the show).
I know for a fact their are girls in worst situations.
I guess my gripe is Why have a show like this, and not constantly plug Safe Sex advertisement.
I mean we know their not going to preach abstinence so why not preach the opposite?
To get to the point I tend to gravitate towards MTV (if not ESPN) when I'm bored or its late night.
There is a show called Teen MOM that started from 16 and Pregnant.
I don't know how to feel about this show.
The Good.
It shows the true hardships that Teenage Moms go through.
There is not one really happy Mom on that show so I guess that serves as a warning for majority of teenage moms.
The ladies Love their babies and seem to want to do anything to make them happy, while barely scratching and surviving themselves.
I think only one of them Graduated highschool (not positive though).
I do see things like Help hotlines being promoted.
The Bad.
Could this be promoting, hey if you have a baby at a young age, you too can be on MTV?
Along with the bad, they show a lot of the good. Some of those things, ease the minds of teenage girls having babies.
I don't think I have seen One Safe Sex ad (condoms, birth control) being promoted on that show.
I know that this is reality TV and its entertaining for some people, but I can't really determine if this is a good message to send out to the youth of this generation.
I mean I'm sure shows like Jersey shore and house wives aren't exactly education tv, but should there really be a show about teenage moms?
I feel for some of them, but one of them really irritates me and that is Farrah.
No other Mom on that shows complains more about struggling and finding a guy more than she does. (When I feel she is the most attractive)
On top of that she claims to be so broke, when yet she had to get a new car, and gets a 2009 Dodge Caliber.
She has the nicest apartment of all of them.
We know MTV pays them, so on top of them "working" they also get paid from MTV (I don't know exactly how much but I do know Real world cast makes about 30-50k for the 6 weeks their on the show).
I know for a fact their are girls in worst situations.
I guess my gripe is Why have a show like this, and not constantly plug Safe Sex advertisement.
I mean we know their not going to preach abstinence so why not preach the opposite?
Monday, September 13, 2010
September Update 9/13
I don't know how I only manage to keep up with this blog once a month... Especially when I look at the blogs im following atleast once a week.
Since the last post... That situation didn't work out, but then another one arose, in which you guessed it hasn't been working out for the best either.
There are a lot of factors in to the new one that just isn't really favorable to either of us at this moment.
When there is a movie about my life, I would like it to be titled "Right Situation; Wrong time: The Life Story of Anthony Hawkins!" the other title would be "Half Naked, All man: The life Story of Anthony Hawkins!"
But I digress, its frustrating to say the least being put in good situations, but it not working out. That's when you always have to question Whats in Store for me, what can I help change?
Well moving on As I was reading Tiffani's Blog http://acceptedgirl.blogspot.com/
There was an interesting post about 30 Days of Truth. Which seems something that is just interesting but also something that I probably need to do.
It basically seems to have you review your life. and put out on paper/blog and helps you in so many terms.. Speak out loud.
So What I'm going to do is start on it this month. Then the whole month of October Work on them, and hopefully get them on this blog site. I may start a new one. (Time for some change so why not?)
Here are the 30 days of Truth questions.
Thirty Days of Truth
(1) Something you hate about yourself. (2) Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15)Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .
Thats the update for this month, I will try to get back to this as things progress!
October will Start my 30 days of truth. They won't be long (I think)
Enjoy
Since the last post... That situation didn't work out, but then another one arose, in which you guessed it hasn't been working out for the best either.
There are a lot of factors in to the new one that just isn't really favorable to either of us at this moment.
When there is a movie about my life, I would like it to be titled "Right Situation; Wrong time: The Life Story of Anthony Hawkins!" the other title would be "Half Naked, All man: The life Story of Anthony Hawkins!"
But I digress, its frustrating to say the least being put in good situations, but it not working out. That's when you always have to question Whats in Store for me, what can I help change?
Well moving on As I was reading Tiffani's Blog http://acceptedgirl.blogspot.com/
There was an interesting post about 30 Days of Truth. Which seems something that is just interesting but also something that I probably need to do.
It basically seems to have you review your life. and put out on paper/blog and helps you in so many terms.. Speak out loud.
So What I'm going to do is start on it this month. Then the whole month of October Work on them, and hopefully get them on this blog site. I may start a new one. (Time for some change so why not?)
Here are the 30 days of Truth questions.
Thirty Days of Truth
(1) Something you hate about yourself. (2) Something you love about yourself. (3) Something you have to forgive yourself for. (4) Something you have to forgive someone for. (5) Something you hope to do in your life. (6) Something you hope you never have to do. (7) Someone who has made your life worth living for. (8) Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit. (9) Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted. (10) Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know. (11) Something people seem to compliment you the most on. (12) Something you never get compliments on. (13) A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.) (14) A hero that has let you down. (letter) (15)Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it. (16) Someone or something you definitely could live without. (17) A book you’ve read that changed your views on something. (18) Your views on gay marriage. (19) What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics? (20)views on drugs and alcohol. (21) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do? (22) Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life. (23) Something you wish you had done in your life. (24) Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter) (25) The reason you believe you’re still alive today. (26) Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why? (27) What’s the best thing going for you right now? (28) What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do? (29) Something you hope to change about yourself. And why. (30) A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself .
Thats the update for this month, I will try to get back to this as things progress!
October will Start my 30 days of truth. They won't be long (I think)
Enjoy
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Its always Right Situation Wrong time for me FML x4
I'm writing this off feeling and stuff that always happens to me, this may be a little strong at times but bare with me.
Story of my life is that I meet or reconnect with a potential girlfriend, but it never seems to be the right time...
Lack of money, Still don't have my own place, still have dreams of going overseas...and I know alot of you may think. "Well why does it matter if you like someone so much go for it"
Its not that easy for me.
I have mentioned in past post, that I'm very old fashioned, so I want to be the Man of relationship, be able to provide, and spoil.
I'm 24 and will be 25 in October, any relationship I get in from this point on has to have the potential of me getting married to that person. With that said I feel personally I need to be ready for that possibility and with the current situation im in now, I'm not plain and simple.
Also with me planning on going overseas (which this will be the last year I attempt before I let that dream go Aug 2011) I'm sort of feeling, why get into a relationship, and get really deep into it, and then bam just leave. Even though that seems inconsiderate, Going overseas has been a life long dream for me, so its kind of Live for Love or Live for my Dreams.
Thats a tough choice considering my biggest fear in life is being alone.
Now on to the reason this is being written.
There has been a girl I have ALWAYS just had that connection with. I have never had the pleasure of being able to be with. There is a huge history lesson between us but I'll condense to a small summary.
I have known this girl since I was 12, and even then as kids there was a sort of connection. As we grew so did our relationship and feelings, but as teens we couldn't really be together because of certain factors *not to be disclosed*
As we grew up, we always checked up on each other through the years, but either I was in a relationship or she was in one, but we remained friends (we still are).
There was one sliver of hope when I turned 21 when I finally became single, and I believe she was, but we didn't act on it.
That brings us to the present, Both of us are 24, Single, but just not in good situations.
With the type of schedule I have (or will have) I'll be working 7-3, Gym 4-6 then dinner and finishing up work (possibly classes) So the only time I will have is weekends.
I did the Long distance, weekends relationship once, and it wasn't my favorite thing to do in all honesty, and once again im older and have alot more stressors, so I would very much so want more and to see more of this person.
I would go into the characteristics of how I think our relationship would be, but lets just go with it would be a very fun and fulfilling relationship.
I think all in all I'm afraid, I already care about this person alot (I think we both have those feelings) but I know I will drop everything for her, and thats something I can't afford to do right now, not with the plans that I want to happen for myself.
Now Please don't get that confused with me saying I think she will hold me back, no that's not the case at all, and she is actually all for me going and one of my biggest supporters. I'm just referring to wanting to settling down with her (possibly) instead of going overseas which is right now #1 Priority.
It just extremely sucks when this is finally a Right situation but the Wrong time in life.
As the saying goes, "If its meant to be it will be"
The least I can Hope for is a chance with her when everything is right our lives to see where it could really land us.
Now I'm not a complete sap I am also making room for any other possibilities that may come my way. I'm not holding out for one person, maybe there are people better out there for both of us, but the best thing right now is that were still and always will be great friends, and I feel that's the most important thing.
BUT...
I don't know should I really pass up happiness. thats what the debate really is. sigh...
Thanks for listening to the rant. I may edit this for other developments as they happen with this situation.
Story of my life is that I meet or reconnect with a potential girlfriend, but it never seems to be the right time...
Lack of money, Still don't have my own place, still have dreams of going overseas...and I know alot of you may think. "Well why does it matter if you like someone so much go for it"
Its not that easy for me.
I have mentioned in past post, that I'm very old fashioned, so I want to be the Man of relationship, be able to provide, and spoil.
I'm 24 and will be 25 in October, any relationship I get in from this point on has to have the potential of me getting married to that person. With that said I feel personally I need to be ready for that possibility and with the current situation im in now, I'm not plain and simple.
Also with me planning on going overseas (which this will be the last year I attempt before I let that dream go Aug 2011) I'm sort of feeling, why get into a relationship, and get really deep into it, and then bam just leave. Even though that seems inconsiderate, Going overseas has been a life long dream for me, so its kind of Live for Love or Live for my Dreams.
Thats a tough choice considering my biggest fear in life is being alone.
Now on to the reason this is being written.
There has been a girl I have ALWAYS just had that connection with. I have never had the pleasure of being able to be with. There is a huge history lesson between us but I'll condense to a small summary.
I have known this girl since I was 12, and even then as kids there was a sort of connection. As we grew so did our relationship and feelings, but as teens we couldn't really be together because of certain factors *not to be disclosed*
As we grew up, we always checked up on each other through the years, but either I was in a relationship or she was in one, but we remained friends (we still are).
There was one sliver of hope when I turned 21 when I finally became single, and I believe she was, but we didn't act on it.
That brings us to the present, Both of us are 24, Single, but just not in good situations.
With the type of schedule I have (or will have) I'll be working 7-3, Gym 4-6 then dinner and finishing up work (possibly classes) So the only time I will have is weekends.
I did the Long distance, weekends relationship once, and it wasn't my favorite thing to do in all honesty, and once again im older and have alot more stressors, so I would very much so want more and to see more of this person.
I would go into the characteristics of how I think our relationship would be, but lets just go with it would be a very fun and fulfilling relationship.
I think all in all I'm afraid, I already care about this person alot (I think we both have those feelings) but I know I will drop everything for her, and thats something I can't afford to do right now, not with the plans that I want to happen for myself.
Now Please don't get that confused with me saying I think she will hold me back, no that's not the case at all, and she is actually all for me going and one of my biggest supporters. I'm just referring to wanting to settling down with her (possibly) instead of going overseas which is right now #1 Priority.
It just extremely sucks when this is finally a Right situation but the Wrong time in life.
As the saying goes, "If its meant to be it will be"
The least I can Hope for is a chance with her when everything is right our lives to see where it could really land us.
Now I'm not a complete sap I am also making room for any other possibilities that may come my way. I'm not holding out for one person, maybe there are people better out there for both of us, but the best thing right now is that were still and always will be great friends, and I feel that's the most important thing.
BUT...
I don't know should I really pass up happiness. thats what the debate really is. sigh...
Thanks for listening to the rant. I may edit this for other developments as they happen with this situation.
Monday, August 16, 2010
3 months with no update??? Let me change that!
I can't say this has been the best 3 months for me...
Lets start with going overseas to teach.
Well I got into EPIK, which is teaching in Korea, problem is I got in all my visa requirements to late (story of my life). So I am no longer going during the original August date I was suppose to leave (technically today)
Now I am pushing for a March Date (unless I get this job) which to where I will have to push for next august. Either way I feel disappointed that I'm not overseas fulfilling my dreams.
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for the moment.
Well with that it makes it more difficult on me job wise because I was substitute teaching and I stopped working in June, so I have been 2 months without a job. School Starts next week but Substituting is not what I want to do, but I have to do something for money. Stripping isn't exactly in my future for right now.
It also doesn't help that I have been frivolously spending money at bars, on food I dont need. I'm usually really tight on money but I have been in a I just want to have fun attitude lately.
This attitude brings me in to the Love life. Which has been (and technically still is) Non existant for the past 2 years.
I do have a lady I am really interested in (I will do a separate blog about this situation) but I because of my job situation and this fun attitude, I don't think I can be in a relationship at the moment. I know for a fact that the superficial stuff doesn't mean anything to her, but it means alot to me.
I may of mentioned this in a blog or two, but I am a very old fashioned guy and I have to be the provider a.k.a The Man! of a relationship.
and it Honestly just hurts.
There are other girls who I would like to get to know better, but i feel hindered 1. because of my financial situation. but 2. because I really like the young lady mentioned above.
I feel like a typical guy in the situation to where I want my cake and eat it too.
What makes it worst is that I'm not that type of guy so that sucks.
Once again I'll get more into that in another blog.
Other than that I mean life has been pretty normal for me, I stay in about 6 days a week, go out once a week and just kinda roll with the punches.
I have been a little Stressed with everything, but I just kinda sit back and pray things will work the way their suppose to work, no matter what that should be.
I wish i could think of more to give you guys as an update, but I really don't so for now i'll just relax....
(edit if i need to)
Lets start with going overseas to teach.
Well I got into EPIK, which is teaching in Korea, problem is I got in all my visa requirements to late (story of my life). So I am no longer going during the original August date I was suppose to leave (technically today)
Now I am pushing for a March Date (unless I get this job) which to where I will have to push for next august. Either way I feel disappointed that I'm not overseas fulfilling my dreams.
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be for the moment.
Well with that it makes it more difficult on me job wise because I was substitute teaching and I stopped working in June, so I have been 2 months without a job. School Starts next week but Substituting is not what I want to do, but I have to do something for money. Stripping isn't exactly in my future for right now.
It also doesn't help that I have been frivolously spending money at bars, on food I dont need. I'm usually really tight on money but I have been in a I just want to have fun attitude lately.
This attitude brings me in to the Love life. Which has been (and technically still is) Non existant for the past 2 years.
I do have a lady I am really interested in (I will do a separate blog about this situation) but I because of my job situation and this fun attitude, I don't think I can be in a relationship at the moment. I know for a fact that the superficial stuff doesn't mean anything to her, but it means alot to me.
I may of mentioned this in a blog or two, but I am a very old fashioned guy and I have to be the provider a.k.a The Man! of a relationship.
and it Honestly just hurts.
There are other girls who I would like to get to know better, but i feel hindered 1. because of my financial situation. but 2. because I really like the young lady mentioned above.
I feel like a typical guy in the situation to where I want my cake and eat it too.
What makes it worst is that I'm not that type of guy so that sucks.
Once again I'll get more into that in another blog.
Other than that I mean life has been pretty normal for me, I stay in about 6 days a week, go out once a week and just kinda roll with the punches.
I have been a little Stressed with everything, but I just kinda sit back and pray things will work the way their suppose to work, no matter what that should be.
I wish i could think of more to give you guys as an update, but I really don't so for now i'll just relax....
(edit if i need to)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
BILLS, BILLS, BILLS
The Student loans are catching up to me now.
I'm in a dispute with one from my 1st college to where I don't even remember taking out a loan, I actually didn't take out a loan, and they send me note after note.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, I DON'T OWE YOU IF I NEVER TOOK MONEY FROM YOU.
I dont know what to and its frustrating because I feel like im going to owe a lot of money for something I never even took.
I'm in a dispute with one from my 1st college to where I don't even remember taking out a loan, I actually didn't take out a loan, and they send me note after note.
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, I DON'T OWE YOU IF I NEVER TOOK MONEY FROM YOU.
I dont know what to and its frustrating because I feel like im going to owe a lot of money for something I never even took.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Yes Man!!!
So this is one of the best Jim Carrey movies he has made.
The premise of the movie is that he goes to a seminar to encourage not being a negative nancy and disapointing his friends and everyone by saying no all the time.
So he (what he think to be a type of voodoo) is programmed to say Yes to every Request and and everything asked of him. (if he said no he believed something bad would happen to him.)
This pretty much makes him more spontaneous and all around a much better person than what he use to be.
I have come to terms, I'm the same way he was (before the seminar) where people don't even ask me anymore because its pretty much guaranteed im going to make an excuse or just say no.
Well Starting April 1st I have decided to be a Yes Man.
I will try it out for a week and if it works for me. I will finish it up for the rest of the month.
I think the hardest thing for me is that i'm a stubborn person so I pray I don't get any stupid request or anything that usually makes me say no.
I really want to have the strength to do this. I tried it for like a day once, and the kids I work with pissed me off so much lol lets just say i stopped halfway through.
We'll I'll be on spring break the first week so lets see how this works out
wish me luck!!!!
The premise of the movie is that he goes to a seminar to encourage not being a negative nancy and disapointing his friends and everyone by saying no all the time.
So he (what he think to be a type of voodoo) is programmed to say Yes to every Request and and everything asked of him. (if he said no he believed something bad would happen to him.)
This pretty much makes him more spontaneous and all around a much better person than what he use to be.
I have come to terms, I'm the same way he was (before the seminar) where people don't even ask me anymore because its pretty much guaranteed im going to make an excuse or just say no.
Well Starting April 1st I have decided to be a Yes Man.
I will try it out for a week and if it works for me. I will finish it up for the rest of the month.
I think the hardest thing for me is that i'm a stubborn person so I pray I don't get any stupid request or anything that usually makes me say no.
I really want to have the strength to do this. I tried it for like a day once, and the kids I work with pissed me off so much lol lets just say i stopped halfway through.
We'll I'll be on spring break the first week so lets see how this works out
wish me luck!!!!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Out of it!
Just everything lately hasn't been running right or according to plan.
I feel like I've been a tad depressed lately. I can't quite pin-point it. I mean I know some factors of what it is, but those are defintely different stories for different blogs.
I think the main thing is I have just been feeling a little lonely lately.
I mean I do the same routine every single day. Wake up, Eat, work, gym, eat, sleep
Monday- Friday
and Saturdays and Sundays haven't exactly been feeling a heck of a lot different. (minus the work)
I have been going out on sat nights recently, but its not with a crowd that im particularly fond of (not the people I go with, but the actual people there).
I dont know I can't necessarily explain it.
My Mental is just all screwed up right now
and My physical hell I break my body down everyday in the gym. Its starting to get hard to wake up in the mornings now. I don't feel well rested or anything.
I think I need just a good 2 days off of doing nothing from everything.
too bad that will never happen with the way I just have to keep moving... There is no way I can just sit in the house or anywhere for that matter for a long period of time.
I dont know Its just Frustrating that the "Life Plan" hasn't exactly gone according to plan.
But when I look back in the past to think about what my "Life Plan" was, I think I can honestly say I never had a plan.
Since age 12 I remember saying to myself, I'm goign to live and go where the wind will take me.
Boy was that a mistake, I owe student loans (thats it Thank God) and No real plan but to go to Japan.
I've been watching alot Man Vs. Wild Lately and thinking I may just go ahead and live like a nomad for a year, go to some buddhist temple and survive and learn the ancient ways.
Who knows just right now My mind is in a Daze and I hate having this feeling.
I feel like I've been a tad depressed lately. I can't quite pin-point it. I mean I know some factors of what it is, but those are defintely different stories for different blogs.
I think the main thing is I have just been feeling a little lonely lately.
I mean I do the same routine every single day. Wake up, Eat, work, gym, eat, sleep
Monday- Friday
and Saturdays and Sundays haven't exactly been feeling a heck of a lot different. (minus the work)
I have been going out on sat nights recently, but its not with a crowd that im particularly fond of (not the people I go with, but the actual people there).
I dont know I can't necessarily explain it.
My Mental is just all screwed up right now
and My physical hell I break my body down everyday in the gym. Its starting to get hard to wake up in the mornings now. I don't feel well rested or anything.
I think I need just a good 2 days off of doing nothing from everything.
too bad that will never happen with the way I just have to keep moving... There is no way I can just sit in the house or anywhere for that matter for a long period of time.
I dont know Its just Frustrating that the "Life Plan" hasn't exactly gone according to plan.
But when I look back in the past to think about what my "Life Plan" was, I think I can honestly say I never had a plan.
Since age 12 I remember saying to myself, I'm goign to live and go where the wind will take me.
Boy was that a mistake, I owe student loans (thats it Thank God) and No real plan but to go to Japan.
I've been watching alot Man Vs. Wild Lately and thinking I may just go ahead and live like a nomad for a year, go to some buddhist temple and survive and learn the ancient ways.
Who knows just right now My mind is in a Daze and I hate having this feeling.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I'm not Anti-social, I just don't like people!
I have kind of slipped back into my "I don't wanna go out anywhere" mode again. This time is different though, im not trying to hide from anyone, it's not because I don't want to...
I'm just tired of people in general. Maybe its a small phase im going through for now, but I'm very content with doing what I do everyday. Work, Eat, Gym, Eat, Sleep.
I do have my few people that I talk to and I enjoy them, but others I don't need or particularly care for. I don't need to meet any new people, or get distracted by any stragglers.
I got rid of facebook again, hopefully this time for good. I couldn't just delete half my friends there because either they would try to add me again or feel some what insulted, and I don't want anyone to feel that way in any way shape or form, so I just got rid of myself.
Back on track.
I have fell off a little from my goals of 2010, so i need to spend more time focusing on them and that is what I intend to do while being out the radar.
I am almost done reading a whole Series of a story line.
I still need to write my collection of blogs I had planned.
I still need to write my movie/book idea
I still need to learn better Japanese
There is so much to do, and so little time to do it in.
Once again thats a little off topic.
I Have notice the more and more I go outside into society, the worst i see this world (or atleast my area) is turning.
People are rude, nasty, and just flat out mean.
I haven't seen anyone actually do a decent or respectable act since christmas time.
and whether some people realize this or not, that was 2 months ago.
It seems like people release bad juju and anger into this world, all year long until the one time where it is meant for them to receive something back even after all the negativity they have released.
I like to think of myself as one of the good people in the world, and I feel like I can get along with just about anyone, even at my age of 24 I still feel like i can relate to both the younger generation (God help them btw) and the older generation.
But everyone seems to have a screw loose these days.
I don't ever remember it being so bad (although I can barely remember much of anything anyway)
I guess I never really saw it because, last year (09) I was in self misery and shut myself off to the world, and all other years before that I had on rose covered glasses (in the words of my dear friend ash) and never saw the world for what it was and what it was becoming.
So with all of this now i just don't even feel the need to go out for any other reason but to get food or any other necessities, work out, and stay home.
I can't change the world, so why stay in this trap im in.
I can't wait to go to Japan, even if its for a week, I hope its a better experience than what im sitting here feeling.
The few ties I have here i love them to death, but I need something new. I need something more.
and once again I feel like i don't need anyone new in my life, but I could also just be looking in the wrong places.
Maybe a change of scenery is all I need.
but atleast I honestly have been trying to shake/break the mood and anti-socialism i was in last year in 09.
I have seen progress so thats a good first step!
HaHa but the way things have been going as of late, I may slip right back in that viscous cycle. ]
Thats my small rant for now, tune in next time, hopefully i'll have those blogs i've been trying to right written up.
btw, who would of ever thought the Library would be the most peaceful place on earth for me?
I have been here for an hour and knocked this blog out. compared to the 2 weeks I sat and did nothing (because I was off work due to snow) and couldn't even muster up the energy for this short blog (or write the rest of mine for that matter).
I'm just tired of people in general. Maybe its a small phase im going through for now, but I'm very content with doing what I do everyday. Work, Eat, Gym, Eat, Sleep.
I do have my few people that I talk to and I enjoy them, but others I don't need or particularly care for. I don't need to meet any new people, or get distracted by any stragglers.
I got rid of facebook again, hopefully this time for good. I couldn't just delete half my friends there because either they would try to add me again or feel some what insulted, and I don't want anyone to feel that way in any way shape or form, so I just got rid of myself.
Back on track.
I have fell off a little from my goals of 2010, so i need to spend more time focusing on them and that is what I intend to do while being out the radar.
I am almost done reading a whole Series of a story line.
I still need to write my collection of blogs I had planned.
I still need to write my movie/book idea
I still need to learn better Japanese
There is so much to do, and so little time to do it in.
Once again thats a little off topic.
I Have notice the more and more I go outside into society, the worst i see this world (or atleast my area) is turning.
People are rude, nasty, and just flat out mean.
I haven't seen anyone actually do a decent or respectable act since christmas time.
and whether some people realize this or not, that was 2 months ago.
It seems like people release bad juju and anger into this world, all year long until the one time where it is meant for them to receive something back even after all the negativity they have released.
I like to think of myself as one of the good people in the world, and I feel like I can get along with just about anyone, even at my age of 24 I still feel like i can relate to both the younger generation (God help them btw) and the older generation.
But everyone seems to have a screw loose these days.
I don't ever remember it being so bad (although I can barely remember much of anything anyway)
I guess I never really saw it because, last year (09) I was in self misery and shut myself off to the world, and all other years before that I had on rose covered glasses (in the words of my dear friend ash) and never saw the world for what it was and what it was becoming.
So with all of this now i just don't even feel the need to go out for any other reason but to get food or any other necessities, work out, and stay home.
I can't change the world, so why stay in this trap im in.
I can't wait to go to Japan, even if its for a week, I hope its a better experience than what im sitting here feeling.
The few ties I have here i love them to death, but I need something new. I need something more.
and once again I feel like i don't need anyone new in my life, but I could also just be looking in the wrong places.
Maybe a change of scenery is all I need.
but atleast I honestly have been trying to shake/break the mood and anti-socialism i was in last year in 09.
I have seen progress so thats a good first step!
HaHa but the way things have been going as of late, I may slip right back in that viscous cycle. ]
Thats my small rant for now, tune in next time, hopefully i'll have those blogs i've been trying to right written up.
btw, who would of ever thought the Library would be the most peaceful place on earth for me?
I have been here for an hour and knocked this blog out. compared to the 2 weeks I sat and did nothing (because I was off work due to snow) and couldn't even muster up the energy for this short blog (or write the rest of mine for that matter).
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tony vs. Anthony!!! The battle for Superiority!
So after careful consideration and a hellishly draining entire 2009...
I have decided to bring back Asshole Anthony!!!
He was there in 2008 and definitely took over the situations that needed a real bold and strong person to take over.
All you really have to do is go through all of 2009's blogs to realize life was hard and really bearing down on me.
In 2008 I had my shit together!
Good Job Situation, women, went out and pretty much controlled my life. I wasn't the normal Passive person I usually am. I was Active, Aggressive a Go Getter!
Asshole Anthony settled down after he did his magic for me and put me in a good situation (at the time), but things slipped and went down hill...
Asshole Anthony was lost in the abyss all off 2009, He's been scratching, crawling, climbing, running, and feening to get back out to the surface!!!
And He's made it!
As Tony, I don't want to completely emerge myself in Asshole Anthony again, he cut alot of people off without thinking twice. He was insensitive, and he just didn't care. But even I know He was good for me in ALOT of situations that I needed him in.
The question is can I keep my Yin and Yang? Can I keep Asshole Anthony ONLY for the situations that I may need him in, or will he completely take over again?
I need him as much as he needs me...But right now I need him more, and he is the type of person if you give him an Inch he will take a mile!
Here he is:::Asshole Anthony
So this Punk ass Tony needs me here, How could he let himself go an entire year (09)Being a punk bitch. Loathing everyday, sitting around, mad, depressed, and sad.
Does he not realize thats what made it harder for me to come out and take charge, It was like the itsy bitsy spider, the more sad he was the more I got rained down that stupid ass drain he calls life.
Even though I'm only halfway up, I will make sure shit goes right..
I'm also plotting to get all the way out again, and show him to fully Live his life...
We're not getting any fuckin younger, so things aren't getting any easier for us!
I'm going to show him how to live again while he still has time!
You may think its Crazy, but trust me You haven't seen anything yet!!
Stay tuned Things should get really interesting if I have anything to do with it
Anthony Out bitches!
Friday, January 1, 2010
WELCOME 2010!!!! Feelings and Plans
So let me start by saying 2009 was a dreadful year for me,
I spent most of my days in pitty, agony, and sorrow, along with being anti-social and cutting off alot of people.
Now you know how People say I'm going to make a change in the next year...blah blah blah..
well this New Year, I actually feel it, in my soul.
I've went through an incredible amount of changes in 2009 that really just shaped me to be a better and more suited for 2010
As for my followers I need you guys to look out for these things
1. I have a series of Blogs im creating with my sister about maybe some ground rules, of what people should do when it comes to the opposite sex.. From a Male and female perspective (mine and my sisters)
2. I decided to write a Screenplay/movie/indie film (whatever you wanna call it)
So ofcourse I will post that or maybe have an excerpt of the script on here.
3. JAPAN JAPAN JAPAN. I feel as if This is my year to finally go. and when I do there will be plenty of blog topics coming from that.
4. Also my new workout blog will be coming up when I start to cut weight again so Watch out for that..
I wanna thank my followers now and whoever else may start to Follow later Thank you!
I spent most of my days in pitty, agony, and sorrow, along with being anti-social and cutting off alot of people.
Now you know how People say I'm going to make a change in the next year...blah blah blah..
well this New Year, I actually feel it, in my soul.
I've went through an incredible amount of changes in 2009 that really just shaped me to be a better and more suited for 2010
As for my followers I need you guys to look out for these things
1. I have a series of Blogs im creating with my sister about maybe some ground rules, of what people should do when it comes to the opposite sex.. From a Male and female perspective (mine and my sisters)
2. I decided to write a Screenplay/movie/indie film (whatever you wanna call it)
So ofcourse I will post that or maybe have an excerpt of the script on here.
3. JAPAN JAPAN JAPAN. I feel as if This is my year to finally go. and when I do there will be plenty of blog topics coming from that.
4. Also my new workout blog will be coming up when I start to cut weight again so Watch out for that..
I wanna thank my followers now and whoever else may start to Follow later Thank you!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Getting Back to Basics (Part 3)
That diet (mentioned in buring bridges ) is basically over for me. I have no excuses not to go out. I reached back out to some of the connections I feel like I lost. I re-started up my facebook (which is kinda creepy considering they keep all your information). I'm trying hard to get back what I lost through the last several months. Not an impossible task for me (I'm hoping).
I went to a party the other weekend, which was shockingly fun. I say shockingly because the cast of people I expected to be there weren't but yet I still had a great time. Without drinking I was still completely entertained. Which also brings me to this point where I have an unexpected bond with someone who I honestly never would of imagined me having a good friendship with. Especially since when we first me we weren't cool at all, our friendship grew, but it was always limited. That made me think like in the last blog (see Am I selfish )how selfish have I been?
(Selfishly I say) I believe I can honestly be a gift some how in anyone's life (sorry if that sounds conceited I just always felt like that for the people I know).
Moving along, I have been trying to get out a little more, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of how my life once was and should again.)
I have a lot of Ground to make up with people as well as my own self-being. I'm not going to be as "destructive" as I once was. I'm older (just turned 24 oct 26th), wiser and have sen myself down that path, so I won't go crazy with destructive decisions again. Besides I have no real reason to do all of that stuff again and I lost my taste for alot of things (food wise and socially), along with trying to stay healthy. I feel as if I'm back to normal just slightly more mature than I was once.
I think a quote that I will always stand by is, I don't believe people Change, but I do think they can improve. I'm still me so I didn't change, but I certainly believe I improved.
I feel as if I can handle my responsibilities now as a friend and as a mature adult. Perfect Example:
I was back on the job recently, I had to try my best to up lift more than one person. (Which I haven't done or cared to do when I was going through (Part 1 and Part 2 of my blogs) my little stink)
I believe I did a pretty good job of helping out with the few scenarios I've been given lately. It also felt good to do those sort of things for people again.
I also went out twice this week and just sat back and conversed with 2 friends. I felt like this is what I should of been doing for a long time. I mentally haven't felt this good in a while. I talked about things I kept under wraps or my "never to be talked about again" list. I talked about them freely just as they should of been discussed...as my past. Things that shouldn't had bothered me as much or at all anymore.
I feel a little better better a little bit more free.
I know im not all the way cured or forgiven from alot of aspect, but I feel great and this was definitely a start!
I went to a party the other weekend, which was shockingly fun. I say shockingly because the cast of people I expected to be there weren't but yet I still had a great time. Without drinking I was still completely entertained. Which also brings me to this point where I have an unexpected bond with someone who I honestly never would of imagined me having a good friendship with. Especially since when we first me we weren't cool at all, our friendship grew, but it was always limited. That made me think like in the last blog (see Am I selfish )how selfish have I been?
(Selfishly I say) I believe I can honestly be a gift some how in anyone's life (sorry if that sounds conceited I just always felt like that for the people I know).
Moving along, I have been trying to get out a little more, I'm just trying to get back into the swing of how my life once was and should again.)
I have a lot of Ground to make up with people as well as my own self-being. I'm not going to be as "destructive" as I once was. I'm older (just turned 24 oct 26th), wiser and have sen myself down that path, so I won't go crazy with destructive decisions again. Besides I have no real reason to do all of that stuff again and I lost my taste for alot of things (food wise and socially), along with trying to stay healthy. I feel as if I'm back to normal just slightly more mature than I was once.
I think a quote that I will always stand by is, I don't believe people Change, but I do think they can improve. I'm still me so I didn't change, but I certainly believe I improved.
I feel as if I can handle my responsibilities now as a friend and as a mature adult. Perfect Example:
I was back on the job recently, I had to try my best to up lift more than one person. (Which I haven't done or cared to do when I was going through (Part 1 and Part 2 of my blogs) my little stink)
I believe I did a pretty good job of helping out with the few scenarios I've been given lately. It also felt good to do those sort of things for people again.
I also went out twice this week and just sat back and conversed with 2 friends. I felt like this is what I should of been doing for a long time. I mentally haven't felt this good in a while. I talked about things I kept under wraps or my "never to be talked about again" list. I talked about them freely just as they should of been discussed...as my past. Things that shouldn't had bothered me as much or at all anymore.
I feel a little better better a little bit more free.
I know im not all the way cured or forgiven from alot of aspect, but I feel great and this was definitely a start!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Have I been selfish? (Who I am, Hates who I've been) Part 2
So It was a good day. I had a good work day in class. Crystal Light was on sale 2 boxes for $3 dollars at shoppers (all I drink is this stuff and water so understand this was a great deal). I had on my new Nautica Fleece, which looked great with my new work out Nike Reax 3 shoes, and Great work out pants. Just an all around awesome day.
I then ran into someone I haven't seen in 6 years. I wouldn't exactly say an old friend, but an acquaintance at best. To be honest this has been someone I've been waiting to see. Back in High School we weren't enemies, nor friends, we had a a run in back then, but it was old High school drama so it was temporary. It was smoothed out easily, but I was never really a fan of this person from the start anyway. Their attitude and personality had been something I always just sort of despised from that person. But I wanted to run into 'em because I had been hearing that there was a complete 360 degree change with this person.
Now I believe people can improve but not really so much change, Kind of like that quote, You can take the boy/girl out of the (location) but you can't take the (location) out of the boy girl. The changes I had heard about 'em seemed a little out of reach for this particular one.
So we passed each other probably about 3-4 times before we realized who each other were. (Actually I had no idea the whole time, until they stopped me.) Outside appearance has changed for the both of us, but from the first hand shake I could see the inside changed for 'em as well.
It felt sort of strange, it was like walking and meeting a preacher (when they were a straight sinner back in the day) you could just feel the warmth and aura just radiating out from 'em. (I always felt like my special worldly gift was to get people and feel aura, yea weird I know).
After talking to him for about 10-15 mins I saw what the rumors have been entailing. It was a completely new and different person. Its as if someone wiped his mind clean and created a new person. What makes it even better is old times never once came up in our conversation. Which was good for a change since thats what seems to come up with everyone I run into from my past. Once again its as if I was talking to a complete stranger. All that was talked about was present and future. To sum it up, it was just really great to see this person, and I for one would of NEVER imagined those words coming out of my mouth for this person.
This meeting sort of put a tight perspective on my life and in a way made me think about my actions (see Burning bridges ). Have I been selfish all this time? Why have I shut myself off when I should have been keeping my bonds to people close. I honestly had no idea that these people that I pushed out of my life or never was attached to were so different now. I'm sure not everyone but a vast majority had to "grow up" in a sense (with me being no exception). Is this what I've been mising out on for the past 7 months. Hell for the past damn near 7 years!!! (since I graduated High school). I'm not a judgemental person, but I have been pushing away people I thought I didn't need in my life. Turns out even though I may not have a constant communication with these people, they all are still a piece of me, whether I wanted to believe that or not. I've always felt as if I made a difference in every person that I encountered lives (as selfish as that sounds). So who am I to take myself ouf of that for people (again as selfish as that sounds).
I guess I had a moment of weakness where I was tired of being that "GO TO" person for everyone. I just wanted to be me and left alone. I never did anything for myself and for the past 7 months I did. I gave up on my original life, I had my mental break, now I guess im ready to get back in to people's lives if they'll have me.
I'm sorry to those who I may of offended or upset during my mental and physical hiatus from my old life. I apologize
I have to admit though the mental break was nice, and I can't say I'm not a changed person because of it. Good did come out of it, but more broken bonds did also.
I then ran into someone I haven't seen in 6 years. I wouldn't exactly say an old friend, but an acquaintance at best. To be honest this has been someone I've been waiting to see. Back in High School we weren't enemies, nor friends, we had a a run in back then, but it was old High school drama so it was temporary. It was smoothed out easily, but I was never really a fan of this person from the start anyway. Their attitude and personality had been something I always just sort of despised from that person. But I wanted to run into 'em because I had been hearing that there was a complete 360 degree change with this person.
Now I believe people can improve but not really so much change, Kind of like that quote, You can take the boy/girl out of the (location) but you can't take the (location) out of the boy girl. The changes I had heard about 'em seemed a little out of reach for this particular one.
So we passed each other probably about 3-4 times before we realized who each other were. (Actually I had no idea the whole time, until they stopped me.) Outside appearance has changed for the both of us, but from the first hand shake I could see the inside changed for 'em as well.
It felt sort of strange, it was like walking and meeting a preacher (when they were a straight sinner back in the day) you could just feel the warmth and aura just radiating out from 'em. (I always felt like my special worldly gift was to get people and feel aura, yea weird I know).
After talking to him for about 10-15 mins I saw what the rumors have been entailing. It was a completely new and different person. Its as if someone wiped his mind clean and created a new person. What makes it even better is old times never once came up in our conversation. Which was good for a change since thats what seems to come up with everyone I run into from my past. Once again its as if I was talking to a complete stranger. All that was talked about was present and future. To sum it up, it was just really great to see this person, and I for one would of NEVER imagined those words coming out of my mouth for this person.
This meeting sort of put a tight perspective on my life and in a way made me think about my actions (see Burning bridges ). Have I been selfish all this time? Why have I shut myself off when I should have been keeping my bonds to people close. I honestly had no idea that these people that I pushed out of my life or never was attached to were so different now. I'm sure not everyone but a vast majority had to "grow up" in a sense (with me being no exception). Is this what I've been mising out on for the past 7 months. Hell for the past damn near 7 years!!! (since I graduated High school). I'm not a judgemental person, but I have been pushing away people I thought I didn't need in my life. Turns out even though I may not have a constant communication with these people, they all are still a piece of me, whether I wanted to believe that or not. I've always felt as if I made a difference in every person that I encountered lives (as selfish as that sounds). So who am I to take myself ouf of that for people (again as selfish as that sounds).
I guess I had a moment of weakness where I was tired of being that "GO TO" person for everyone. I just wanted to be me and left alone. I never did anything for myself and for the past 7 months I did. I gave up on my original life, I had my mental break, now I guess im ready to get back in to people's lives if they'll have me.
I'm sorry to those who I may of offended or upset during my mental and physical hiatus from my old life. I apologize
I have to admit though the mental break was nice, and I can't say I'm not a changed person because of it. Good did come out of it, but more broken bonds did also.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Today is a good day, Time to burn some Bridges (Part 1)
May 1, 2009, The D day of one Anthony Hawkins.
That is the day my initial diet started...
This is the day I cut myself off...
This is the day I shut everyone out...
It all started with me just wanting to lose some weight, get some abs a few cuts. It then became a full on obsession with me yearning for the perfect body.
I let it get out of control, I'll be the first to admit it.
It started with cutting out alcohol, who would of ever thought going to bars and restaurants would comprise of my entire social gathering/lifestyle.
Don't get me wrong I'm no stranger to the refreshing tasty alcoholic beverages, but wow did I need them to have a great time? Hell even a moderately mild time?
What makes it even worst is that I had some hard times, where I wanted nothing more but to hit the bar or just the bottle for that matter. Yea I know it sounds bad, but remember I have been drinking for a LOOONG time. So yea I had a bit of a problem (maybe...) and by definition an alcoholic (which I still deny....Kinda).
So now its been 6 months Alcohol free, and just to be completely honest these months have been horrible. Not fromt he aspect of "whoa as me I'm depressed." Just in the retrospect of me being extremely bored with life, and I lost proably about 75-80% of my friends. (Which was only really 15% of the friends that I even maintained from High School and Middle School).
To be honest I didn't care. My only focus was working out. Even if I had to lose people in the process, who cared! No one was feeding me, no one was paying my bills. No one was giving me back rubs when I was hurting. So I cut myself off from everyone. Burned down alot of bridges with friends. But Did I care? NOPE! As long as it was a good day in the gym, I wasn't concerned about anything else.
Don't get me wrong, I needed this mental break. My life has never been about me. For once it is; I dont have to answer questions, listen to silly gossip about people I don't know and/or care about, Hearing about other peoples shitty day (when I'm barely getting through mine). It is nice for a change, Its not exactly a burden listening to people (its what I do, probably my Manifest Destiny) I just don't want to deal with it. I was also still going through a break up which had happened months before, but I was still going crazy about it. As much as I hate to admit it that fucked my head up a lot more than I thought. Also the plan for me to go to Japan made me want to drop people also. Hard to explain why I guess since I saw it as "I'm leaving anyway and won't have much contact with anyone but a certain few. So why even bother keeping up with the people who I speak with sparingly? There not doing anything for me now, they damn sure won't do much for me then."
Sorry that was just my frame of mind.
Lets be honest, physically I got everything I wanted to achieve. There is no time for distractions when you have a goal. Mentally I broke down, no friends to chill with (by choice), no girlfriend, nothing to truly occupy my time. I don't like huge crowds so no concerts, parties, bars. I'm not anti social by a long shot, But It just wasn't completely me.
I have changed a great deal under these 6 months, but to be honest, I don't see any of it as bad.
I don't really associate with people who were bad for me anymore.
I don't go straight to the bottle when I'm depressed sad.
I'm border line OCD now so I clean and organize a little more something I always needed in my life.
I'm stronger mentally all around.
I can honestly say I know me, I know who I am, I know what I want. To where I didn't know before.
Am I proud of the method I took to gain those things? No not really, but I have to credit that method to most of my good points right now!
Thats basically it, You live you learn, Period.
That is the day my initial diet started...
This is the day I cut myself off...
This is the day I shut everyone out...
It all started with me just wanting to lose some weight, get some abs a few cuts. It then became a full on obsession with me yearning for the perfect body.
I let it get out of control, I'll be the first to admit it.
It started with cutting out alcohol, who would of ever thought going to bars and restaurants would comprise of my entire social gathering/lifestyle.
Don't get me wrong I'm no stranger to the refreshing tasty alcoholic beverages, but wow did I need them to have a great time? Hell even a moderately mild time?
What makes it even worst is that I had some hard times, where I wanted nothing more but to hit the bar or just the bottle for that matter. Yea I know it sounds bad, but remember I have been drinking for a LOOONG time. So yea I had a bit of a problem (maybe...) and by definition an alcoholic (which I still deny....Kinda).
So now its been 6 months Alcohol free, and just to be completely honest these months have been horrible. Not fromt he aspect of "whoa as me I'm depressed." Just in the retrospect of me being extremely bored with life, and I lost proably about 75-80% of my friends. (Which was only really 15% of the friends that I even maintained from High School and Middle School).
To be honest I didn't care. My only focus was working out. Even if I had to lose people in the process, who cared! No one was feeding me, no one was paying my bills. No one was giving me back rubs when I was hurting. So I cut myself off from everyone. Burned down alot of bridges with friends. But Did I care? NOPE! As long as it was a good day in the gym, I wasn't concerned about anything else.
Don't get me wrong, I needed this mental break. My life has never been about me. For once it is; I dont have to answer questions, listen to silly gossip about people I don't know and/or care about, Hearing about other peoples shitty day (when I'm barely getting through mine). It is nice for a change, Its not exactly a burden listening to people (its what I do, probably my Manifest Destiny) I just don't want to deal with it. I was also still going through a break up which had happened months before, but I was still going crazy about it. As much as I hate to admit it that fucked my head up a lot more than I thought. Also the plan for me to go to Japan made me want to drop people also. Hard to explain why I guess since I saw it as "I'm leaving anyway and won't have much contact with anyone but a certain few. So why even bother keeping up with the people who I speak with sparingly? There not doing anything for me now, they damn sure won't do much for me then."
Sorry that was just my frame of mind.
Lets be honest, physically I got everything I wanted to achieve. There is no time for distractions when you have a goal. Mentally I broke down, no friends to chill with (by choice), no girlfriend, nothing to truly occupy my time. I don't like huge crowds so no concerts, parties, bars. I'm not anti social by a long shot, But It just wasn't completely me.
I have changed a great deal under these 6 months, but to be honest, I don't see any of it as bad.
I don't really associate with people who were bad for me anymore.
I don't go straight to the bottle when I'm depressed sad.
I'm border line OCD now so I clean and organize a little more something I always needed in my life.
I'm stronger mentally all around.
I can honestly say I know me, I know who I am, I know what I want. To where I didn't know before.
Am I proud of the method I took to gain those things? No not really, but I have to credit that method to most of my good points right now!
Thats basically it, You live you learn, Period.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The Chase Isn't Worth the Prize
Ladies, Ladies...................What you do to us men, is not only unfair, but its pointless.
Yes women hold ALL the power when men are in the chasing and pursuit for a young ladies courtship. Seriously ladies though, just stop the games and antics. The things you guys do are truly pointless, just be real with us. If you like us, dont make us wait (in a non-sexual way). I dont know know about other guys but that whole Chase thing turns m e off. Yes make it a challenge but don't make it into a marathon or mission impossible. Fellas I don't know about you but I don't hunt for my food, its already at the store I just have to get it and cook it (Let me explain that metaphor because i just saw that frown on your faces).
What I mean is the stone age is over, although I feel things should be more like the past (basically men being men and gentlemen) There shouldn't be a need for the waiting game. Why do I have to play 21 questions with trying to find a mate, where each question is 1 week long. This isn't cavemen times,There is no need to go on a 2 week long journey to find food. Check us out, do your quick investigation and let us know the outcome.
Why does your mind games even have to happen?
Why is it neccessary to push buttons before you get with the guy?
I realize you all are trying to see if this person would be right for you, but somethings push us away, and you turn us into things that you didn't want us to be in the first place. Sometimes you take it way to far and as men we have to put our foot down, which is usually the answers or reactions you don't want to see with us. Which is also out of character for yourselves at times.
I've seen pictures you take with your girlfriends...wild and crazy, funny faces, etc.. Your not to different from men, so don't act high and mighty as if all men are immature, thus causing that to be the reason for the games.
I'm going to let you guys know about 2 situations where the chase got pointless for me so I stopped and the other 2 girls lost out (in my selfish opinion about how well of a suitor I make).
1st Situation:
A girl pushed and pushed, claiming she never has seen me mad. So she played little games and made up small lies about certain things that would usually have most guys either running for the hills or completely go berserk on someone. Well she got to me (which its hard to make me mad, but I wasn't boiling, but enough to irratate me, which is still rather rare for me.)
After I realized there was no gold at the end of the rainbow things started to change. She zig Zag'ed and looped around me so much during the chase that I got tired and just stopped and cut it off all together.
2nd Situation:
I chased this particular one for a long time. (Lets just say on and off for some years) There was always something that got in the way of us. (Think of going out fishing, catching a fish in the hook, but it keeps fighting and gets away.)
You keep catching it, but it never gets close enough for you to reel it in and put it in your boat. How many tries do you need before you just move on to other side of the ocean, and try to get a different fish in the sea.
Well thats what I did, I paddled out a little more, dropped a new lure and patiently waited at the other side of the sea.
The funny part is in both of my scenarios those 2 girls tried to come back after I was pretty much done chasing them. I moved on, but I guess its true what they say, "You don't know what you got til its gone."
Moral of the story is, its ok to play hard to get, but don't get carried away with it. You can only play monopoly for so long, before someone's money is almost gone or you just get tired of playing the game.
Be honest this applies to a VAST majority of the women in this world. Because a lot of you know you hold power to a lot of the guys that are chasing you.
But with the games you play, you could Truly be missing out on something great.
There is always a diamond in the rough, and you could be still kicking dirt over it.
Just think about it next time you put someone through a maze before you even give them a chance. They just not play along with you anymore.
That is not a question of if a guy can hang with you, or is right for you, its a question of are you right for him, Men don't deserve that alot of times.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
You want the truth? You can't handle the Truth!!!
So I've come to the realization that "Honesty IS NOT the best policy" simply because people can't handle the truth (or atleast what you present to them).
I have gone the Entire summer evaluating my life, I have had to make the hard decisions of what to cut out, meaning habits, lifestyle, and most importantly people.
The problem is, when a person you cut off comes back, and they wonder why you cut them off in the first place, even giving them the lying answer isn't good enough with them.
Plus with my whole pledge on telling the truth and no longer need to lie in my life (since I'm older now), I found out that even telling people the truth people. People can't handle it.
They still flip out, get mad, get sad.
My motto is "If you can't handle the truth, then don't ask me anything" PERIOD.
I'm going to give it to you straight, and I was never that person when I was younger, I was a push over let people run over me, but now i'm going to give it to you straight without feeling an ounce of remorse.
Now don't get me wrong it does suck at the fact that "THE TRUTH HURTS" but would you rather someone lie and you hurt later? or tell the truth and you hurt now?
I can respect people more for telling the truth. Than blantly lying.
Lets be honest, everyone lies (is that an oxymoron?)
I have yet to meet one person who hasnt told a lie....little or big lie, a lie is still a lie.
moving along with it. It just sort of Sickens me now how alot of people lie for no reason.
I mean hell I still do it sometimes, but not on an issue someone wants to knwo, sometimes i'll agree with something or just say yes or no based on if I want to get them out my face.
but Its wild how so much people Want to know the truth, But cant handle the Truth.
why even ask if your going to respond negatively in the first place.
Is there a certain way to deliver the truth (if its on a bad topic) to ease the blow?
I dont know well thats my take on it.
If you want the truth come to me.
If you don't want the truth then dont bother talking to me at all.
Sorry if that seems harsh
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